{life list} progress!

And just like that, summer is over... fastest summer ever, right? We kind of had a lot going on, but still. Amid all the craziness, I did manage to knock a few things off of my Life List... #33 - Keep a plant alive for more than 3 months... Remember these terrariums? Yeah, I kept one of them alive for FIVE MONTHS! Can you believe it? I'm sure many of you are reading this and thinking "what's the big deal?", but I have the blackest of black thumbs, so this new record is kind of a big deal for me. AND, it didn't even die, we just couldn't keep it alive during the cross-country move. Who knows how long I could have kept my streak going! Admittedly, the other terrarium died a slow and neglected death, but I'm still calling this one a victory.

#37 - Watch Emma eat her first ice cream cone... I'm so bummed I didn't think to get a picture of this at the time, but Emma did have her first ice cream cone this summer (well, we shared one) and she loved it! For those of you curious about what it was, it should come as no surprise that we went with only the best for our little boo boo - Almond Brittle with Salted Ganache from Salt & Straw.

#49 - Rock my natural hair color (or have it be mostly my natural color)... Back in February, I hinted that I was getting ready to take the plunge into mousy brownville, and I did. And while I wouldn't say I hated it, my natural color just didn't feel like me. (Every fake blond reading this knows exactly what I'm taking about.) I gave it a solid effort, though. Despite wanting to dye it back immediately, I kept it for almost 4 months, during which time I sent my BFF the following message: "Let's make a pact to never dye our hair brown again. It's never easier, it's never less maintenance, and we both look way better as bottle blondes. Deal? - sincerely, your regretfully brown-haired bff." That pretty much sums it up. I'm happily back to blond, and staying that way for good!

3 down, 73 to go! And I'm signed up for my photography class (#53), we're knocking out the AFI top 100 (#76), and I found my perfect shade of lipstick (#54)- I just have to order it. Have you made a Life List yet? How's it going so far??

{life list} AFI's 100 Movies - 90 to 100

We're slowly but surely chipping away at my Life List goal of watching all 100 films on the AFI Top 100 list. We're rating each one as we go, and decided not to look at the other's review before writing our own to make it a bit more fun. Here's what we thought of 90 through 100...

{#100 - Ben-Hur}

What Jared thought... B+. Quite a long movie, but Judah Ben Hur is pretty badass. The sheer production and amount of extras for a movie from the 50s is very impressive.

What I thought... B. Oh, Judah Ben-Hur. Your story is good, but so, so long. The film itself was impressive, given the scale and action and year in which it was filmed, but it could have easily been an hour shorter.

{#99 - Toy Story}

What Jared thought... A. Obviously a classic and was mind-blowing at the time, being the first feature-length Pixar movie. Great storyline, characters, etc. Basically everything is great.

What I thought... A. Toy Story is a classic, and it's the first in a long line of Pixar films that so brilliantly combine a great story with cutting edge animation. I loved it the first time I saw it, and it was just as great all these years later.

{#98 - Yankee Doodle Dandy}

What Jared thought... B-/C+. Honestly don't understand the reason why this is considered one of the top 100 films of all time. I feel like any movie on this list, regardless of knowing any background or not, you should be able to just watch and say, "That was a great movie!" I've watched musicals and whatnot with Sinatra or Bob Hope from that era, and I think any of the ones I've seen would match right up with this one.

What I thought... C. The only thing that saved this movie for me was the back story - if I didn't know that it was based on a true story, or that James Cagney was basically the James Gandolfini of his time and for him to do a movie musical was kind of ridiculous (making his performance all the more impressive) - this would have gotten an even lower grade from me. I love musicals, but there are much better than this (hello, Newsies!) and I'm not sure why this even made the Top 100.

{#97 - Blade Runner}

What Jared thought... B. Very strange movie, but the special effects made for a very realistic-looking world of the future.

What I thought... B. I have to preface this by saying I'm not super into sci-fi, but the story here was interesting. Harrison Ford and the special effects (which I could usually care less about, but were very impressive for early 80s) saved this one for me.

{#96 - Do The Right Thing}

What Jared thought... B. I don't like Spike Lee (it has to do with a run-in at a Bruce Hornsby concert at the Blue Note in NYC…don't ask), but I did think this was a good movie. I have a hard time saying I enjoyed watching it, because I feel like it's purposely a rather hard movie to watch, but it was well acted and written.

What I thought... B. I liked this move more than I thought I would. It was thought provoking, if a little film school self-indulgent.

{#95 - The Last Picture Show}

What Jared thought... B. I'm showing my cinematic ignorance here, but I feel like this could have just as easily been a play, rather than a movie. It was more depressing than I thought it would be, but I did like it.

 What I thought... B-. This was just okay for me. The acting was superb, and it was great seeing a young Jeff Bridges (who I love) do his thing, the story just didn't hook me.

{#94 - Pulp Fiction}

What Jared thought... A. I absolutely love this movie. Samuel L Jackson is nothing short of brilliant, in a role that pretty much defined him (in my opinion). I've watched this movie at least a few dozen times since it came out and I enjoy every bit of it, except that I've always disliked the song that Mia puts on before she OD's. But that's a very small criticism for a great movie.

What I thought... B+. I hadn't seen this in years and it has held up as simply a great f-ing movie.

{#93 - The French Connection}

What Jared thought... N/A. I honestly do not remember watching this movie, so I couldn't have liked it very much. I know Gene Hackman was in it, and he was great as Lex Luthor and in Unforgiven, so maybe I should just go with a B and call it a day.

What I thought... B. I had to watch this in film class in college and remembered nothing of it. I should have tried harder to stay awake back then because it was actually a pretty good movie… a good and gritty detective movie like they rarely seem to make these days.

{#92 - Goodfellas}

What Jared thought... A+. I've loved this movie since the first time I saw it in high school. I've read the book (which I actually think is better) as well, and the movie definitely does it justice.  It's eminently quotable, and the acting is off the charts great.  Ma, I can't leave it there, it's a sin.

What I thought... A. I don't know why this is ranked so low on this list. Such a fantastic movie… brilliant acting, and I'm a sucker for a good sympathetic antagonist like Henry Hill.

{#91 - Sophie's Choice}

What Jared thought... B/B-. To quote Seinfeld, "Oh that Meryl Streep, she's such a phony!". A very good, if utterly heartbreaking movie. I feel like the middle part dragged out and then all of a sudden WHAMO, they go for the gut punch. Maybe that was intentional, maybe not.

What I thought... B. Ugh. WRECKED. That is how I felt after this movie. Completely and utterly wrecked. I was still crying when the movie ended and I kept saying to Jared, "It's just so awful! Can you imagine?" I cried the next day just thinking about it. Aside from the soul destroying story, this movie is yet another example of why Meryl Streep is the master and all other actresses must bow before her. She's simply flawless.

{#90 - Swing Time}

What Jared thought... B+. Fun movie, great dancing, and a great story. Not much else to say.

What I thought... B+. I could watch Fred Astaire dance all day. I think there's something so fascinating about watching someone do with great ease what you are so completely incapable of doing. I have two left feet and the only time I'm relaxed enough to look halfway decent dancing is when I'm quite drunk. Anyway... this was a fun movie and I found it impossible not to be charmed by the legendary Fred and Ginger.

Have you seen any of these movies? I'd love to know what you thought!

how I make breastfeeding work as a working mom

Yep. I'm finally going there. I've debated for a long time whether or not I should write about my experience with breastfeeding. It's such a personal subject, and every woman's experience is different. But by some miracle I've been able to exclusively breastfeed Emma while working full time for the past 14 months and we're still going strong... so I hope that in sharing my experience and what has helped me along the way I might be able to help other working mamas.

(Disclaimer: if you are my father or father-in-law, we're getting into specifics here, so while I appreciate you reading my little blog, this post may not be for you.) :-)

It has been my experience that our relationship with breastfeeding our babies is always evolving. As our baby's needs change, so must nursing. I think this is one of the most challenging aspects of nursing - you finally feel like everything is working, and a tooth comes in or your supply changes and suddenly you're stressed and find yourself questioning whether or not it's time to wean. These moments aren't made any easier by the comment you get over and over and over again from well-meaning friends and family: "Oh you're still breastfeeding? That's great." Equal parts supportive and judgy, the "still" always feels so loaded, even if it's not. I am neither hero nor freak of nature - I'm simply a mom who's trying to do what's best for her baby. So without further adieu, here's how I've made it work over the past 14 months...

Breastfeeding did not come easily for me. In fact, I know very few women who didn't experience some element of difficulty when they first started nursing. Yes, breastfeeding is best - but it can also be really really hard. Emma wanted to nurse 24/7 and I just couldn't get a good latch, so nursing was extremely painful. There were a lot of tears and a lot of crappy moments feeling like a failure as a mama. To get through it until I could come up with a better solution, I ended up pumping on the most painful side. So each feeding consisted of a bottle and whatever she wanted from the less painful side. Around 2 months, and after help from an amazing lactation consultant, craniosacral therapy for Emma, and time to - well - let things toughen up, nursing finally got better. Those were two of the most difficult months of my life, but I'll be forever thankful that I stuck it out. And because I was already pumping I ended up with a decent stash of reserves so I had more than enough for that first day back at work.

The transition back to work wasn't nearly as bad as I had feared. I am very fortunate to work for a company and bosses that are not only understanding of my desire to breastfeed my baby, but are also extremely supportive - and yes, there's a difference. When I worked from the office (I just started working from home a couple of months ago) I had a private room to pump in that no one else ever used, and I found it fairly easy to plan my 10-15 minute pumping sessions around meetings. My biggest stress regarding pumping at work didn't have anything to do with privacy or feeling like it was impacting my performance - it was whether or not I was pumping enough. It's an obsessive task, all the counting of ounces, making sure the bottles have just the right amount. At 3 months, Emma was taking three to four 4.5 ounce bottles while she was at daycare and thankfully when I first went back I could easily pump that much and then some.

My oversupply gradually turned into just enough, and then not enough. By 6 months my pumping output had become less predictable and even though Emma was taking a bit less at daycare (three 4 ounce bottles), around 9 months I added a 4th pumping session right before I went to bed just so I could round out the next day's bottles. I know what you're thinking... what a chore! But I wasn't ready to give up nursing and make the switch to super pricey formula so I did what I had to do.

Aside from supply stresses, the other major challenge I've faced being a breastfeeding working mom is travel. I usually travel about once a month for work - sometimes day trips, sometimes overnight. And as a result I have pumped in more places than I care to count... airport bathrooms, airport nursing rooms (yay SFO and SEA!), airplane bathrooms, client bathrooms, client nursing rooms (yay Accenture!), train bathrooms, hotel rooms, hotel lobby bathrooms, and rental cars. I'm pretty sure having an automatic toilet flush underneath you before you're done is the worst feeling I've encountered in a public bathroom, but pumping milk for my baby while people are doing god knows what in the stalls next to me is a very close second. Pumping in bathrooms is always a last resort, and sometimes you just have to do what you have to do... plug your nose, think of a happy place, and seal everything up as quickly as possible.

I've been fortunate to never have a single issue getting my milk or pump through TSA, and I've taken a decent amount of milk through. If I'm going for a day trip I just pack the little cooler and ice pack that fits in my pump bag (I have the Medela Pump in Style) and use either my pump bag or my laptop bag to hold my wallet, keys, etc. so that I don't go over my 2 carry on limit. For overnight trips, I'll use the same approach and use the little plastic storage bags for milk since you can fit a lot in the cooler, or I'll pack a slightly bigger cooler in my suitcase.

Storing milk overnight can be a bit tricky depending on your hotel. I'm a Starwood gal and have always had good experiences with them either having a fridge I can fit my milk in or bringing a mini fridge up to my room. A lot of people don't know the mini fridge is an option at most hotel chains... you just have to ask!

When we moved and Emma started her new daycare, I decided to do something that has completely changed my relationship with pumping... I decreased her to 2 bottles a day, and I'm just sending what I pump. I sometimes don't even look at the ounces. I'm lucky if I get 2 ounces out in a pumping session, and that's okay. She's getting almost everything she needs from food, and still isn't tolerating plain milk very well, so I'm happy to continue supplementing her nutrition with breastmilk. Plus, with working from home I've found it's nice to have those 2 forced breaks to step away from my computer.

At this point I'm just following Emma's lead... My original goal was just to get to a year, and I'm the first to admit I didn't think I'd still be nursing at this point. I keep expecting her to lose interest, but so far she's just as eager for her 4 daily nursing sessions as she always has been. Her daytime sessions are short and sweet, but her morning and bedtime sessions are still around 15 minutes. And now she eagerly signs for milk and it's the cutest thing ever. How can I say no to that? Yes, I'd love to stop having to pump, but every time I have those moments of feeling like it's not worth it, I think about actually nursing Emma - not pumping - and how wonderful and rewarding it is and I just can't bring myself to wean her before she's ready.

You may think after reading all of this - wow, she's put in a crazy amount of effort just to be able to breastfeed her baby - but for as selfless as pumping can feel, still being able to breastfeed and have that bond with my baby feels wonderfully selfish. Yes, breastfeeding is hard... it can be emotionally and physically draining, but it has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life and I'm grateful every day that I stuck with it.

UPDATE! I realized from Andrea's comment below that while I blabbed on and on about my experience, I didn't include a ton of tips aside from the travel stuff. So... here are my top 5 tips for making breastfeeding work as a working mom:

1. Be unapologetically stubborn - With yourself, with your job, with every thought and comment that makes you question if this is all worth it. It will take work, and there will be highs and lows, but if this is what you want, it's definitely achievable.
2. Find a good lactation consultant to work with - Us moms tend to have a tough time asking for help, but this is one area you don't have to (and shouldn't!) go it alone. But not all lactation consultants are made equal and it's important that you find one that you're comfortable with and that is supportive of your goals. Even if you're not having issues with breastfeeding, they can be invaluable in getting you prepped to go back to work - from making sure your pump is working for you, that you're using the right shield size (I had no idea I wasn't), and that you're pumping the right amount for your baby.
3. Find something to do while pumping that nurtures your soul - Your pumping sessions don't always have to feel like a chore. You're not a dairy cow! Whether it's having a piece of chocolate, reading a good book, or doing some stretching after you're done, treat your pumping sessions as an opportunity to do something that's just for you and you might actually start looking forward to those breaks.
4. Reevaluate your baby's needs as your supply changes - This is one of the most stressful aspects for pumping moms, and it's important to make sure you're considering your baby's changing needs as you experience decreases in your supply. It could be that your baby needs less, and you should attempt to send smaller bottles to daycare before you start stressing out and adding unnecessary pumping sessions. The website Kelly Mom was immensely helpful to me as I navigated these changes.
5. Remember that everything is a phase - This is probably the best parenting advice I've gotten so far: Everything is a phase... the good stuff, the bad stuff, the teething and biting, the distracted nursing. Treasure the good times and don't panic during the bad times because they're all fleeting. This has been especially helpful for me to keep in mind as a working mom - the pumping won't last forever but neither will breastfeeding. Try not to stress too much about the former, and cherish the latter.

What about you? What has your experience with breastfeeding while working been like? Are you going back to work soon and have questions? Let me know!

doing something about it

It should be pretty clear from this post and this post that the past few months have been some of the toughest of my life. And part of what has made this so challenging for me is the lack of control I've felt in all of this... we moved for Jared's job, for Emma's future - and what I wanted sort of got lost in the shuffle. I was okay with that because what I want most in life is for my family to be happy. But I'm no martyr mama. And it was high time I get back to doing what nurtures me as an individual, not just as a wife and mother. So I've been making an effort to get out more and explore our new city. Emma and I had a girls day last Saturday and went downtown to check out the shops, walk along the creek, and grab some dinner. We even happened upon a crazy bike race with those old fashioned tall bikes with the big front wheels (they're apparently called Penny Farthings.)

Another big part of nurturing myself has been getting back to blogging. It's such a simple thing, but it really helps me to feel grounded, focused, and connected. And despite my hiatuses during the move and after Emma's birth, my intention has always been to keep growing and improving my little corner of the Internet. So... I'm very excited to announce that I've signed up for not one, but TWO classes this fall that will undoubtedly help me do just that! I've been wanting to take both for at least a year now, and in the past few days I finally bit the bullet and signed up.

The first is Clickin' Moms Shooting 101: The Best Darn Beginners Course Ever. You may have noticed that my photography has only slightly improved since starting this blog, due to my meager attempts at teaching myself how to operate our camera in AV (and sometimes Manual) mode. And now that Emma's running circles around us, I find myself missing all the perfect shots because I'm still fumbling with the settings. This class is supposed to be one of the best online courses out there, and from the reviews I'm optimistic that it will be money well spent. From everything that we have going on this Fall, to projects I have in the works, I really want to get my photography skills (or lack thereof) in better shape so I can feel more confident sharing photos with you. It's also #53 on my Life List, so yay!

The second class is one I'm still pinching myself about, and I'm pretty sure I won't be able to sleep the night before considering how excited I already am... I signed up for BLOGSHOP!! It's the amazingly fabulous Photoshop for bloggers class taught by Bri from DESIGNLOVEFEST and photographer Angela Kohler. I missed it when they came to Portland, so when I saw that they were coming to DC I knew I had to jump on it. I'm a self-taught Photoshopper so I'm bound to have about a million a-ha moments during those two days learning all the tips and tricks that will make my blogging life a whole lot easier. And I get to learn all those cool graphic-y things I see on other people's blogs and wonder how the heck they did them. I'm super intimidated and have nothing to wear, but I'm hoping everyone else feels that way too and I won't stand out like a sore thumb among my classmates' supreme hipness.

So that's that! My photography class starts in a few weeks, and Blogshop is at the end of October. On top of the hiking, camping, and beach trips we're excited to take as a family this Fall, it feels really good to have a couple of things on the calendar that are just for me. :-)

greetings from Maryland...

Hello my lovely blog readers! I'm so sorry for the prolonged absence. This move has taken its toll on me and I tend to retreat when I'm trying to work through something (that something being adjusting to life in Maryland.) The truth is, for as hard as I thought the move was going to be - it's unfortunately been about 100 times harder. I think I've cried more in the past two months than I have in the past two years. First it was about leaving Portland... I didn't just cry for my beloved Rose City - I wept, I sobbed, I ugly cried good and hard when it was time to say goodbye. In short, it sucked. And then we arrived in Maryland and it has been one thing after another since we got here... we found a really nice rental house, but a string of really crappy luck has left us without power, AC, hot water, and a refrigerator at various points over the past month. And don't even get me started on the day care situation for Emma... it's way more expensive here and the quality can't even hold a candle to where she was in Portland. It's immensely frustrating sending your kid off to a place every day that you don't like. So yeah... see why I haven't been blogging? I'm a downer! But I really am trying, despite all the hurdles that keep getting thrown my way. We're here now and I do still believe that this will be the best thing for Emma in the long run. And every time I start to question that, I look at this picture...

That's my mom a few weeks ago on her birthday with Emma and my nephew, Zachary. The happiness on the faces of people I love most in this world makes this all worth it. And for as much as I've struggled with this move, I do know that I can be happy here. It's just going to take a bit of time to work out the kinks.

I know I keep saying it, but I really am going to get back to regular blogging this week. I have photos of our new house to share with you, the big before and after post about our old house, and some funny "before" photos of my post-baby body to shame me into sticking with my new weight loss & workout regime. Okay, I might not do that last post. We'll see how brave / crazy I'm feeling. :-)

10 years

It's hard to believe that 10 years ago today I arrived in London and began what would be one of the best experiences of my life... 6 weeks studying abroad in the UK. I met some of my closest friends to this day on that trip, and will always be immensely grateful to my parents for giving me the opportunity to go abroad - particularly since there was pretty much no studying involved and whole lot of partying. Thanks mom and dad! Love ya! Here are some of my favorite photos (scanned because nothing was digital back then... man, we're getting old!)

Happy anniversary, friends! Especially to my boo, my BFF extraordinaire, Lindsey... the first day we met we stayed up all night drinking cheap wine out of Nalgene bottles and playing cards and I knew we'd be friends forever. May there always be a Burger King with a pay toilet nearby when we need one. Love you to pieces.

XO,

reflections on Emma's first year

A year ago at this time we were in the throes of new parenthood... in complete awe of this tiny person we'd created, but struggling with nursing, naps and everything in between. Emma was not an easy newborn... she's never been a cuddler, never one to just fall asleep on your shoulder. Getting her to sleep in those early months could have been an Olympic event. Bounce, bounce, bounce... bigger more elaborate bouncing, small quick bouncing, bouncing on the exercise ball, bouncing while walking, bouncing while shooshing, bouncing while singing... bounce, bounce, bounce. We were both seeing a chiropractor by the time she turned 3 months old. Once we figured out that she was milk protein intolerant and I cut out dairy things got almost immediately easier. She wasn't feeling like crap all the time, we regained some of our hearing loss. Everyone was happier...

Months 4-8 were nothing short of awesome... it seemed like every week there was a new "thing" she could do: laughing, rolling, solids, first words, sitting up, crawling. She was on a developmental tear and we were happily along for the ride.

And then we hit 9 months... and everything that could fall apart did. Ear infections, food rebellions, teething, sleep regressions - we were all pretty miserable and the lack of sleep was making everything that much harder. She was waking up every 2 hours, standing at the edge of her crib and screaming... and nothing soothed her - not bouncing, shooshing, singing, or nursing. We knew we were in trouble when nursing stopped soothing her. We desperately sought the advice of our pediatrician, who recommended what we feared was coming - sleep training. We'd been so anti... we never felt like she "needed" to be sleeping through the night at a certain point. Prior to her regression she'd been waking once, maybe twice a night to nurse and immediately went back down. It worked. Until it didn't. CIO, extinction - these are not words I ever wanted to be part of our parenting repertoire. But we were desperate... she was screaming with us trying to soothe her, was it really that much worse to let her scream while she tried to self-soothe? You have to tell yourself no to get through it, so we did, and it worked. She never cried for more than 20 minutes, and after 3 nights we were all sleeping much better. I wish it hadn't needed to come to that, but I have no regrets... we let her tell us when she was ready for a different approach, we didn't try to force a sleep schedule on her. It felt right at the time and I'm glad we did it.

As for the ear infections - our trusty Nose Frida has been helping keep them at bay. And her food rebellion was helped a ton when we discovered that she's okay being fed if she also has something to feed herself at the same time... so now if we give her a puree we make sure there are also steamed veggies or Os, puffs, raisins, etc. on her tray. Otherwise the dog, chair, my jeans, my hair, end up with a whole lot more puree than her tummy. It never ceases to amaze me how such a small person can create such a huge mess.

With the exception of a few weeks of intense separation anxiety, months 10-12 were pretty fantastic... Emma started cruising, then walking, and it's been a blast trying to keep up with her. (Okay, it's also been super tiring.) Once she started walking she was done with crawling. She'd rather walk and fall on her tush 8 times trying to get somewhere than crawl. I just have no idea where she gets this stubbornness from! And after 6 months of working at it, she finally mastered her roll and float in swim survival class, and we were super stoked for her. We had been telling her it was okay that she wasn't the best swimmer in her class, that she could get by on her looks if she needed to, but it was a huge relief when it finally clicked for her. (If you haven't looked into swim survival I highly recommend it. It's a little terrifying and kinda pricey but it's so worth it.)

One year later and we're still so in awe of our little girl... for all the ups and downs of parenthood, it's just so insanely worth it.

an update!

Hellooooo! How are you? I'm good... exhausted, but good. The baby and dog are asleep, my tummy is full of dark chocolate coconut ice cream, and I'm laying in bed happy as a clam that I actually have a few minutes to spend on my poor deserted blog. Here's the gist of what's been going on lately...

We put our house on the market... and were under contract in less than 48 hours! It was a whirlwind, and we feel very very fortunate to have fared so well in this economy. More details coming soon, including loads of before and after pics.

Our sweet Emma turned 1 year old last week! I can't believe how quickly this first year flew by, and how much she's changed and grown. Our tiny screaming newborn has turned into this happy little toddler... so curious about her world and with a smile and laugh that melt away even the worst days. I know I'm biased, but she's pretty much the best baby ever. Oh, and we did throw a little 1st birthday bash for her... I'll have more on that soon, too. (Are you noticing a pattern yet?)

Jared left for Maryland last week. Before he left we knocked a bunch of stuff off of our "Before we leave Portland bucket list." It'll get it's own post, too, but one of my favorite things we did was to go back to the place where we got married and take a family photo in the same spot where we said our vows nearly 3 years ago. It was such a special day (Father's Day, actually) and I'm so glad we were able to get up to the mountain one last time.

Life without him here has been a tough adjustment... parenting is just flat-out easier with 2 people, especially when that 2nd person is as hands-on (and awesome) as Jared is, but I'm doing my best and (knock on wood) have yet to have any major parenting fails. As tired as I am, in a weird way it's the time I'm getting one-on-one with Emma that's pulling me through. I live for the moment I walk into her classroom after work and she comes bounding toward me, arms outstretched and grinning from ear to ear... there's no amount of exhaustion that makes that feel any less awesome. That being said, we're heading to Maryland this weekend to look at houses, and I'll be very very glad to be a family of 3 again - even if it's just for a few days.

In other news, I've actually been making progress on my Life List! Again, a post is in the works... but to give you a preview, I've dyed my hair it's natural color (and 3 months later am now happily back to blonde), we're up to #91 on AFI's Top 100 movie list, I had a photo shoot with my mom and sister and our babies, and - miracle of all miracles - I've kept a plant alive for more than 3 months! And now that we're moving back east I have a whole bunch more things I want to add to the list... like having a girls theater weekend in NYC (Newsies, anyone??), and taking a little getaway with Jared to Savannah.

So, let's see... that's at least 4 blog posts I owe you. Guess I better get cracking - er, typing.

XO,

love letter to a house

Our house officially goes on the market tomorrow. We've worked so hard at getting it ready the past few weeks... it has been decluttered, staged, and cleaned within an inch of its life. We are tired. But we're really happy with how it looks, and are crossing everything we've got that all our effort pays off. As part of going on the market, our agent (the amazing Linda Muter... if you're selling or buying in Portland I can't recommend her more highly) asked us to write a letter for potential buyers to read when they come to tour our house. I put it off as long as I could, afraid of the emotion it might unleash, but I'm happy to say I got it done with exactly zero tears shed... perhaps I'm just too exhausted at this point to cry, or my trusty detachment coping mechanism is finally kicking in. Anyway, here it is...

Dear Potential Buyer,

Welcome, and thank you for touring our house!

We knew this was the house for us – our first house – within minutes of walking in the door and we hope you have the same reaction. That was two and a half years ago, and we’ve only grown to love it more with time. From the built-ins, to the molding, to the original doors… the little details of this house give it so much character and have really made it feel like home for us. We love decorating it for the holidays, stringing lights around the trees out front, and hanging stockings over the fireplace. And in the summer we love sitting on the front porch with some home brew, or spending lazy Sunday mornings eating pancakes in the sun room.

But for as much as we love this house, what we’ll miss most about living here is the neighborhood, and especially the neighbors. Within days of us moving in they brought wine, beer, and cookies and made us feel so welcome. We get together for BBQs and holidays… an egg hunt at Easter and a pretty epic 4th of July block party complete with a bounce house and bike parade for the kids.

And being so close to Fremont means that we’re within walking distance of restaurants, coffee, shops, and a market. It’s a rare weekend we aren’t up at Bumblekiss for french toast or at Cha Cha Cha! for burritos. (We can even walk to the Hollywood Library and Whole Foods thanks to a handy shortcut on Alameda.)

We feel like we really lucked out moving into this house, on this street, and we can only hope that the new buyers (maybe you!) love it as much as we have.

Best of luck in your search for a new home.

Sincerely,

Allison & Jared

So that's it... tomorrow we officially take the plunge into selling our beloved first home. I will miss our house and neighborhood more than I can say, but I'm (mostly) ready to see what our new east coast adventure has in store for us. Who knows... maybe we'll find an even better house with just as cool neighbors. I'm nothing if not optimistic. :-)

never say never

Jared and I were Portlanders long before we ever moved here... our liberal, DIY, eco ways made us feel right at home in a city that's as weird and wonderful as it is wet. Portland has become so much a part of who we are - as people, as a couple, as parents - and I can honestly say that there's no city in the country I'd rather live than right here. That's why what I'm about to tell you is really really really bittersweet...

We're moving.

And not only are we moving, we're moving back to the east coast. To Frederick, MD to be exact. Whoever said having kids changes everything could not have been more right... before Emma was born I couldn't have imagined anything pulling us away from this area. Portland was our forever home... everything we imagined for our future as a family was in the context of living here. But in February Jared was contacted by a recruiter for a job in Frederick (45 minutes away from my family in Northern Virginia) and after initially dismissing the idea, we started thinking about what living there would mean...

First of all, we'd have family nearby. We'd have support. And Emma would get to have close relationships with her grandparents, aunts and uncles, and her cousin who is only 3 months younger than her. As of now, every time we see family she has to relearn who they all are... it's only by the end of the trip that she warms up to them and it kills me. From family vacations to date nights to spending holidays together, the family aspect of all this was a huge draw.

Secondly, the schools there are MUCH better than in Portland. The high school she would have gone to here has a 79% graduation rate... and it's one of the better high schools in Portland. Our house is considered to be in an excellent school district. It's baffling. Jared and I both went to excellent public schools, where far greater than 79% not only graduated but went on to 4 year universities. We want the same or even better for Emma, which we'll be able to provide her in Frederick. The only downside is that in order to do so, we may end up having to cross over the dark side of new construction suburbia... a thought that currently pains me, but perhaps I'll come around to.

Thirdly, the cost of living is even better in Frederick than it is in Portland (which is pretty affordable compared to other cities we've lived in.) We'll be able to get more house for our money and be able to more easily afford a bigger family. Frederick is an old city with loads of historic homes... I'd be lying if I said I hadn't already planned out my dream renovation of a big 1900s colonial. :-)

There are plenty of other draws as well... being within driving distance of the cabin, being able to go to Phillies games, taking trips up to NY to see friends, the culture, art, eats in DC and Baltimore, and still having both great hiking and beaches nearby. There's very little that we have here that we can't have there, which is why we decided to accept when Jared was ultimately offered the job.

But... as certain as we are that this move is the best thing for Emma, I do worry about how Jared and I will fit in there. I grew up in Northern Virginia and had one foot out the door as soon as I hit high school. It wasn't me, and has become increasingly less so as I've gotten older and the area has continued to change. Frederick is different... removed from many of the things I don't like about NoVa. I'm hoping that Jared and I can still be "us" there and not feel like total outsiders. There must be other people in Frederick who homebrew, compost, cloth diaper, grow their own hops, and have stellar taste in music, right? Maybe? I guess we'll find out.

So that's the news... that's why I've been so stressed and absent from blogging the past couple of months. On top of all the anxiety about moving, work has been crazy busy. And now we're faced with getting our house sold. Jared's actually going to move out there before me while I stay back with the kiddo and the dog until we can sell the house. Just thinking about that separation is heartbreaking and terrifying, so I'm trying to settle into a blissful state of denial. (Getting the house ready to go on the market has proved a nice, albeit overwhelming distraction.) I'll try my best to keep you posted on all the happenings in the next couple of months. Blogging (and wine) just may be the only thing that keeps me sane while Jared is gone.

Oh, and if anyone reading this lives in the Frederick/DC/Baltimore area, please contact me! I'm very much looking forward to reconnecting with old friends, and maybe even connecting with some fellow crafters/bloggers/ice cream connoisseurs/banjo lovers.

the cabin

Jared and I just got back from a long weekend at our friends' cabin in North Central Pennsylvania, and the trip was exactly what we needed. You may have noticed I've been a little absent from my dear blog lately (and that will sadly continue as the next couple months are likely to be some of the craziest of our lives.) We've been stressed beyond belief, but for now we're recharged... 4 days in the woods, no phones, no internet. It was perfect. We even got to break in our new "our backpacking days are over " tent. (Yeah, it has two rooms. That's apparently how we roll now.) This was my 5th year going to the cabin and while it's different now that most of us have kids, it's still one of my favorite weekends of the year...

 

in defense of crafty moms

If you're a mom on Facebook, you very likely saw this blog post going around last week. And while I agree with some of what the author had to say, it also made me feel a little defensive. Mostly because Pinterest is my happy place, and it threw me for a loop that it caused anyone to feel pressured and discouraged. You mean not everyone logs into Pinterest and gets lost for hours in seemingly endless inspiration?? I guess the difference between me and the author is that I craft because it's who I am... I was a maker long before I was a mama. Second only to my family, crafting is my raison d'etre. So while yes my child wants ME and I want her, I can't just be "mama." Being a maker is what nurtures me. And if I don't make time for that, then I'd feel like I lost part of my identity. So as much as the author doesn't want to be made to feel bad for struggling to do a fancy braid in her daughters' hair, I don't want to be made to feel bad for sewing my daughter a Christmas dress or looking forward to her birthday as an excuse to give my Silhouette a workout. I don't do any of this to make other moms feel inadequate, nor do I feel peer pressure to go overboard at pretty much every crafting opportunity - I do it because I simply can't help myself.

So anyway, back to Pinterest... fellow moms, I beg you, please don't turn my happy place into the latest thing that's wrong with modern motherhood. One of the things I've always loved most about the design/DIY/sewing community online is how insanely supportive and encouraging everyone is toward one another, and until that article, I thought Pinterest worked the same way. Yes, there are things about it I could do without. I avoid the Popular page like the plague because it's the Internet equivalent of Top 40 radio... it exists only to remind me how little I have in common with the masses. And I scan past people's fitness pins like salads on a restaurant menu - we all know that's not why I'm here... give me a pulled pork sandwich and let me be on my way. But, that's the beauty of Pinterest - it can be whatever you want it to be. If you like the recipes but the crafts make you feel like a lazy mama, just unfollow your friends' crafting boards. Why set yourself up to feel bad? That's just silly.

Trust me, I have plenty of imperfections that Emma will likely remind me of daily when she's a teenager, so for now - let me have my homemade ice cream and personalized quilts. Those are the things I'm good at. Do I think they make me a good mother? Of course not. But on those days when Emma has eaten nothing but Os and raisins, only managed 2 twenty minute naps, and is in her 3rd outfit of the day, I can lay her down to sleep for the night in a room filled with stuff that I made her and feel just a little better about myself.

movie madness

Jared and I watched My Week With Marilyn this weekend (just okay, though Michelle Williams was flawless), after which he confessed that he'd never seen a Marilyn Monroe movie. We then got to chatting about classic films and basically concluded that there are a ton of great movies neither of us has ever seen. So, on a whim, we decided to challenge ourselves to watch all 100 of AFI's Top 100 films. Of this list, we've each seen 49 (though not all the same). Not bad between us, but there are a lot we don't really remember, and it's always different watching a movie later in life that you were forced to watch in school.

We decided we should probably start at the bottom of the list and work our way up to #1 (Citizen Kane), so that we don't lose steam as we get to the "less good" most amazing films of all time. It's going to take us a while. (Like multiple years.) But we're nerdily excited.

Things I'm looking forward to:

• Cary. Grant.
• "Well, he should have armed himself if he's going to decorate his saloon with my friend."
• Vivien Leigh's untouchable performance in Streetcar
• Finally being able to say that I've seen Schindler's List and Saving Private Ryan. (I know, I know.)
• Witnessing the genius that was Charlie Chaplin (I've only ever seen clips, never a whole movie.)
• Paul Newman and Robert Redford in their prime

Things I'm not looking forward to:

• Titanic and The Sixth Sense... I wholeheartedly object to these movies making the list. Mostly because I have a not fully justifiable intense dislike of both James Cameron and M. Knight Shyamalan.
• There's only 1 Paul Newman film (aside from my husband, there's no man that can hold a candle to Paul Newman in my book.) This seems far too few for such a great actor.
• Having to watch A Clockwork Orange again. I didn't like it the first time, and doubt I'll like it this time around.
• Sophie's Choice... One Sunday night a few weeks ago I gave Jared the option of washing bottles or putting the sheets on the bed (I would do the other) and he replied, "Uggghhh. Sophie's choice!" Neither of us knew what it meant, but we knew his use of it was likely ridiculous. Then we looked it up. I wanted to crawl into a corner and cry for hours just after reading the Wikipedia entry. I can't imagine how depressing the movie is going to be, but I'm certain it's going to scar me for life.

We're planning to start this weekend (with #100, Ben Hur). Not the most fun start, but the list is the list.

How many of these have you seen? Do you have a favorite? (I think my favorite on the list is The Philadelphia Story. I have a thing for Cary Grant, especially when paired with the always fantastic Katherine Hepburn.)

PS... I've added this little challenge to my life list!

revisiting Emma's birth story

At 9 months old, Emma has officially been out longer than she was in. This milestone has had me thinking a lot about my pregnancy and her birth, so I went back and read her birth story the other day, only to find myself disappointed with what I had written. Or more, what I hadn't written. Which is funny because that was a loooong post. But it read very technical to me... like I went into labor, and it hurt, and then I was in labor some more, and then hours passed and days, and then, and then, and then... what was missing was what I was thinking and feeling during those 63 hours. I think at the time I wrote it I was still very caught up in how it all went down... I felt this great responsibility to document every step of the process, and in doing so failed to capture the emotion of it all. So, here's take 2... the version I want to read when I think about that day, and the version I hope to someday share with Emma...

Oh my god. That's the first thought I had when I found out I was pregnant. We had been trying for months, though it felt like years at that point, and I was in disbelief at what I saw. Two lines. Two lines! As my eyes welled up with tears, I rushed downstairs to tell Jared... We're going to have a baby. What? It's positive? Yes! It's positive. Holy crap! We hugged, we kissed, we cried. Then the anxiety hit me. And there it stayed for most of my 1st trimester. What if it was a false positive? What if these cramps aren't just growing pains? Is that spotting? If there's one good thing about morning sickness (or 8 to 3 sickness, in my case) it's that it's a nice little daily reminder that you are, in fact, definitely still pregnant. Even so, I tried not to get my hopes up until I hit my 2nd trimester. I didn't buy anything for the baby, I didn't start planning the nursery. And then we saw her.

She was just an it at that point... but she was perfect. And more importantly, she and I were both healthy as could be. I could breathe. It was right around that time I stopped getting sick, and got some of my energy back. I was finally feeling well enough to start being that hip mama-to-be I'd imagined I'd be before morning sickness knocked me on my butt for 2 months. I started going to prenatal yoga, laughing with other pregnant women about our aches, pains, and strange bodily functions. I retired the last of my normal jeans and bras. I started rubbing my growing belly all day every day. I was pregnant, and I reveled in it.

It was around that time that I dove head first into the world of natural birth, and dragged Jared along with me. When I first got pregnant I thought Well, maybe I'll try for a natural birth and just see what happens once I'm in it. But I'm so not a "see what happens" kind of person. That initial thought quickly turned into switching from an OB to a midwife, and before I knew it we were sitting in weekly hypnobirthing classes visualizing opening up like a flower and watching videos of hippy women seemingly enjoying labor and delivery. The more we learned, the more we believed that natural birth would be the safest and gentlest way to bring our baby into the world... it was to be the most important physical endeavor of my life and I was training my little heart out.

As my due date approached I grew increasingly uncomfortable. I loved being pregnant, but I was getting more than a little anxious to get this show on the road. I was ready. Well, as ready as I could be. And I felt strong. I felt more connected to my body than I ever had before and I had the blissful confidence of someone who had no idea what she was in for. Jared and I filled those long days of waiting by going out to dinner, seeing some live music, and basically doing all the things people told us we wouldn't have time for anymore once our baby was born. They couldn't have been more right.

The night after Emma was due, I went into labor. We were sitting on the couch watching TV and I started having contractions that just felt different. Before I went into labor I longed to know what those contractions would feel like. How would I know when it was really time? All I can say is that I just knew. They were a little stronger than Braxton Hicks, a little more real. They eased on and gloriously off, making them feel manageable. I sat there secretly timing my contractions, not wanting to get Jared all excited if this was just false labor. After a half an hour or so I decided to pipe up. So... I think I'm in labor.

My contractions were strong, but infrequent. At 10 minutes apart it looked like this was going to take a while, so we decided to try to get some sleep. I knew I wouldn't really be able to sleep. Aside from the pain and pressure, my baby was coming. How could I sleep? Neither of us really slept that night, and by morning my contractions were 7 minutes apart. I figured I'd have a light breakfast, hang out for a couple of hours, and be ready to head to the hospital. This was happening. My baby was going to be born today. But shortly after breakfast my labor stalled. I was disappointed, but I knew this was common with first babies and tried to just carry on with my day and wait for labor to pick back up. We walked. I watched bad daytime tv. We ate. I had a contraction every half an hour or so. We walked some more.

Labor finally picked up again that night, this time more intense than before, especially in my lower back. Alright, now this is really happening. 10 minutes apart again. It was late. After not sleeping the night before we were so tired. We tried to sleep again. We failed again. The contractions were so intense but not getting any closer. I was exhausted and frustrated. Come on already, baby!

Morning arrived and my contractions were still 7-10 minutes apart, still intense, still shooting through my lower back. Another call to the midwife, and a new theory that our baby was posterior - meaning she was head down, but facing my tummy instead of my back. Super. Apparently when this happens the body will stall the labor to try to give the baby time to turn. We learned a variety of tricks and positions to try to encourage her to turn, but nothing was feeling like it was making a difference and my contractions were getting stronger but not closer. Nighttime rolled around and I'd now been in labor for 2 days. Any hope I had of today being the day was quickly waning. The midwife on call instructed me to do whatever I needed to do to get some sleep. She told me to try Benadryl and a bath, and if that didn't work to come into the hospital and they'd give me some morphine to knock me out. I went to lay down after I got out of the bath, and of course, not five minutes later my contractions finally started to pick up. Well, if I'm not going to get some sleep I guess I'll go have this baby. We made the call to go to the hospital. Either I was going to have the baby, or I was going to get some drugs so I could sleep.

We got to admitting, where I proudly refused the wheelchair. I remember thinking, I may have been in labor for the past 2 days, but I am not crippled. Gee, I wonder where this baby was getting her stubbornness from. We sat in triage for what felt like forever while they hooked me up to the monitor and measured my contractions. All I wanted was for them to tell me this was really happening, admit me, and get me to my room - the room where we would finally meet our baby. Something about my calm demeanor had the triage nurse thinking I wasn't very far along, and she made it clear she thought we were wasting her time. We didn't care for her very much. Finally a midwife came down to examine me. The moment of truth... She asked me how dilated I wanted to be, to which I responded, More than 1… please just let it be more than 1. She replied, How about more than 5? I was 6-7 centimeters and I could have kissed her. I was so relieved to know that I'd actually been making progress the past 2 days. I heard the triage nurse mutter under her breath that I wasn't acting like I was 6-7 centimeters dilated. Yes, that's because I am strong, and brave, and I don't feel the need to make a big dramatic production out of each contraction no matter how intense they are. That, or I'm just very very tired.

We checked into our room and they started prepping the birthing tub. Jared and I walked the halls while we waited. I wanted nothing more than to get into that warm water. But sadly, my nice peaceful water birth wasn't meant to be. Being in the tub was slowing my labor, and no amount of pain relief was worth dragging this thing out any longer. So we went back to walking the halls.

The hours passed so slowly. Each contraction was more intense than the last, each one requiring Jared to press even harder on my lower back as I breathed through it. I was making progress but it was so slow. Around 7am I called my sister. I couldn't even get a full sentence out. I heard her voice and I lost it. Tears were falling. I can't do it. I'm so tired. I'm trying so hard to be strong, but it's too hard. Her encouragement and support in that moment meant more than I can ever say. I gathered myself together, and Jared and I had a heart to heart about our options. My midwife was starting to get very concerned about my exhaustion... would I have any energy left to push after 3 sleepless nights? But I'd come so far. As a last ditch effort to move things along, Jared and I agreed to let them break my water. Please let this work. I know I said I'd be okay with getting drugs if there was no alternative but I'm too proud for my own good I really really don't want them. I felt an almost immediate difference. My contractions had become all consuming, but closer together. About 20 minutes after they broke my water I started feeling the urge to push. This was it.

I'd heard that for many women the pushing was easier than labor. Not. Even. Close. I don't know if it was because I was more exhausted than I'd been in my entire life, or because our baby still hadn't turned fully anterior. But pushing was hard. Without a doubt the most intensely challenging and painful experience of my life. But it was good pain. It was miraculous pain. It was pain that was giving life. I pushed for over an hour. I kept looking at Jared feeling like I was letting him down. He'd been more than I could have ever asked for. I could tell it was nearly unbearable for him to watch me in so much pain, and I wanted so desperately to relieve him of that. But I don't want to push anymore. I can't. I have nothing left to give. Somehow with each contraction I went deeper inside myself and mustered the strength to push longer and harder than I thought I was capable of. Finally, our baby was crowning. They told me to reach down and feel her head. I couldn't. If I stop now I won't be able to keep going. I just want to keep going. A few more pushes and her head was out. And then her body. They laid her on my chest and time stopped. Hello, my love. She was a wonder. We took in every tiny wrinkly inch of her. Our Emma Rose. I remember being so surprised at her full head of dark hair. She was so uniquely her, and she really was perfect.

We held her in disbelief that she was finally here... that after 9 months and a seemingly endless labor, we were a family. I looked at my husband holding his daughter for the first time... filled with more love than I ever imagined possible. It had all been so worth it.

chin up, buttercup

It's official. You guys are awesome. I threw out a whole big batch of negativity yesterday and you sent back more encouragement, support, and laughter than this whiny gal really deserved. Here are a few of my favorites...

"Time for baby #2?" - from my cousin Wendy. I laughed so hard I almost snorted.

This ecard from my friend, Rachael:

And this lovely little stress-releasing routine from Helen, which I did this morning and really liked. It's a little out there, but I desperately need to make sure I'm carving out a little time for myself every day - even if it's just 5 minutes - and the routine was a great excuse to do just that.

Doing that routine actually reminded me that I have a whole library of self-hypnosis and relaxation routines on my iPod from my daily hypnobirthing practice that I should really revisit. My absolute favorite was this one called The Handkerchief... You visualize a large scarf and put everything that's stressing you out into the scarf. When I was in the final weeks of my pregnancy I loaded that bad boy up with everything from the pain in my lower back, to the tumbleweeds of dog hair on my floors, to crazy politicians. You then visualize tying up the scarf and hanging it on a wall. Everything that was causing you stress is now neatly tucked away and off your mind. It sounds kooky but it really worked for me. I can think of a whole mess of things I'll be putting in that scarf before bed tonight! If you're having your own bad week, I recommend trying it out... Here's a link to listen to or download the exercise. It's provided for pregnant women but would work for anyone looking to ease their mind a bit. Plus the woman who guides you through it is British and that's always fun.

Thanks again to everyone who reached out to me yesterday. You made me feel a million times better. :-)

welcome to my pity party

I'm stressed. Like biting my fingernails way too much, losing sleep kind of stressed. I'm stressed because I've been working a ton. Because I've resorted to blogging while pumping. Because I'm pumping in a cold concrete bank vault (my office is in an old bank building). Because this flimsy plastic chair is hurting my tush. Because I'm pumping less than my daughter needs. Because she's been a total crank pot and crappy sleeper the past few days and we can't figure out why. Because she's growing up too fast. Because I'm exhausted. Because there ain't nuthin glamorous about being a working mama. Because I hate uncertainty and life feels like one big ball of it these days. Because I'm bitter about things I shouldn't be. Because I'm bitter at all. Because there's never enough time. Because I miss my family and friends. Because I haven't hugged my mom in almost 4 months. Because sometimes even 30 year olds just need their moms. (Even if their moms aren't come cry on my shoulder types.) Because my best friend hasn't met my baby yet. Because life is nothing like we thought it would be when we were drinking wine straight from the bottle on a London rooftop 10 years ago. Because that was 10 years ago. Because I need to get over it. Because this should be a post about all the things I have to be happy about but it's not. Because I'm grumpy.

But tomorrow is another day, and even Jessi Spano eventually got it together.  So there's hope. And until then there's wine. And Emma's laugh. And dairy-free congo bars. And Jared's arms. And marshmallows. And my sister's reassuring texts. And wine...

if you can't laugh at yourself...

We interrupt your regularly scheduled Link Love post to bring you... this...

I don't really know what to say about this. Or even why I'm posting it. Maybe it's because I've had a crazy crappy week, or because I was up working until 11pm, or because the sun is shining and it's March. In Portland. What I do know is that this photo is amazing. And embarrassing. And ridiculous. And my husband loves it.

Have a great weekend. :-)

let's get real...

 

It seems like there's been a recent influx of "authenticity" posts in my Reader lately... bloggers discussing what authenticity means to them, what a typical day in their life is like, their ongoing efforts to create a genuine "internet self." It's a fascinating topic, especially when platforms like Facebook, Twitter, and personal blogs allow you to be very selective in what you share about your life, intentionally or unintentionally creating a "you" that may not be entirely accurate.

I left my hometown many years ago and didn't go to my high school reunion (it was the weekend after we got back from our honeymoon and I couldn't justify a special trip home)... I'm only still "real life" friends with a handful of people from those days. So for the vast majority of people I went to school with and for the people who follow my blog whom I've never met (P.S. I love you), the person they think I am now is the person I am online. And I got to thinking what that looked like... does it reflect reality?

Like most people, I think over time what's resulted is a slightly better version of my life. Where Facebook is concerned - I share the good stuff, occasionally vent about the bad stuff, and try to be encouraging/congratulatory/supportive/witty when a friend's status or photo calls for it. There's rarely a photo of me without make up or un-showered. There are no status updates about the 2 minute spat Jared and I had about throw pillows, or the bigger fights when we both go to bed angry. There are no check-ins at our weekly Target runs. And as for my blog, I try to share things that are interesting to me and that I hope are interesting to others... projects, recipes, personal anecdotes and reflections on my life. While I'm not exactly an open book, I try to be as open as I'm comfortable with while still protecting the things I think should remain private. My hope is that even if you're not getting the whole story, you're getting enough to know that I don't have it all together, that makeup and Photoshop are my closest allies, that every finished project has had its share of ripped seams and second guesses.

But... in case I've created the impression that my life is a bit rosier than it really is, I thought I'd share some of the not-so-pretty truths for a change:

• I am severely intimidated by other bloggers... I often feel like everyone else is about a thousand times more original, talented, and creative than I am.
• I let fear talk me out of doing or saying way more than I'd like to admit.
• I haven't had a pedicure since before Emma was born, and it looks it.
• I'm not a very good listener. I'm too quick to offer my thoughts or advice, when most of the time the person telling me something probably just needed to vent.
• My house smells like BBQ on a fairly regular basis due to the oak my husband burns in our fireplace. We do not live in a cabin and I do not like this smell. But I love my husband and he loves his fireplace, and there you have it. (For the record, my imaginary Pinterest home of perfection smells like this.)
• I am good or even very good at doing a lot of things, but a master of none. This has been the case my whole life. I get bored with something or distracted by a new challenge before I ever get to the mastery stage. I've learned to accept this about myself, but sometimes I get envious of people with the discipline and focus to become truly great at one thing.
• I long ago lost the battle against Rocco's hair. It goes with us everywhere. Emma wears it to daycare. (Sorry, not trying to rhyme. I'll stop now.) There's no amount of Furminating or Dyson-ing that comes close to keeping it under control. I shudder to think what non-pet owners think when they come to our house.
• I'm very conflicted about my post-baby body. My body will likely never be what it once was (especially with my non-existent workout routine) and some days that makes me feel strong and proud - like the extra skin and fuller hips are a badge of honor that indicates to strangers that I am a mother. I am fierce and I am capable of more than they will ever know... And other days I'm like every other girl, staring at herself in the mirror sizing up every trouble spot with a cruelly critical eye.
• I'm terrified of uncertainty. I avoid it at all possible costs. For any given situation, I mentally prepare myself for all possible outcomes - from not being able to find the right fabric for a project, to how we're going to pay our mortgage should both Jared and I find ourselves out of work at the same time. I'm sure some would say this is unhealthy (like my husband, or a therapist) but it works for me. (Strangely, the one exception to this is when I travel - I love unstructured, unplanned travel. Figuring it out as I go along. The thrill of getting lost in a new city. Ahh, where's my suitcase?)

So there you have it... a little dose of reality for my slightly better Internet life. I'd love to know what you guys think about this... Do you think your Internet self is a realistic reflection of who you are in real life? Does it matter if it's not, or is it commonly accepted that we're probably all a little less perfect/happy/hip/funny offline?

the birthday boy

Jared's 33rd birthday was a few weeks ago, and it was one of the best days we've had as a family in a long time. We decided to take it as a vacation day, keep Emma home from daycare, and just spend the day together. Little did Jared know that I'd planned out the whole day, and filled it with his very favorite foods. I also stayed up late the night before to decorate the house. Because every 33 year old guy needs a birthday banner. (Which I made with the amazing Silhouette Cameo he gave me for Christmas. Seriously, you need to get one.)

First up on the menu was bacon (of course) and homemade strawberry Pop Tarts. The bacon was delicious, as always, but the real hit was the Pop Tarts. They were sinfully good. (Definitely a special occasion breakfast, totally inappropriate for every day.) I would normally think to make this sort of thing with puff pastry, but this recipe called for refrigerated pie crust, which worked perfectly. It's the frosting that really takes them over the edge, though. They'd be a great weekend breakfast sans frosting, but what fun would that be?

Up next was Jared's guilty pleasure - Stove Top. The man could easily eat a whole box on his own, but thankfully I didn't have to witness that this birthday. I must say, it was a little strange having stuffing on a day other than Thanksgiving, but the processed goodness that is Stove Top didn't disappoint.

That afternoon we caught the "mommy and me" showing of The Muppets at the Kennedy School, where Jared got to enjoy his all time favorite snack food: movie theater popcorn with lots of butter. The Kennedy School is great because they have couches instead of theater seats, and the couches are far enough apart that we could set a blanket down in front of us and let Emma play while we watched the movie. Everybody wins.

For dinner, I went all out and made something I'd pinned for Jared many months ago - Chicken Parmesan Casserole. Jared has his own chicken parm recipe, but this claimed to be the end of regular chicken parm as we know it, and it absolutely lived up to the hype. Trust me on this one... just make it. As long as you have taste buds and like Italian food, you will not be disappointed.

And last but not least, we had Jared's favorite cupcakes for dessert - yellow box cake with chocolate frosting and sprinkles. In the age of fancy cupcakes with filling and piped frosting, there's something so wonderfully simple and nostalgic about these cupcakes.

And there you have it... 33 with a bang. Okay, not a bang - but a whole lot of yummy food and hopefully a great day for my better half (truly) and the best guy I know. :-) If you're trying to figure out something to do for your significant other's birthday this year, I highly recommend the whole playing hooky eating all your favorite foods approach. Jared ended up feeling special the whole day, not just when he opened his present, which is exactly what I wanted (and what he deserved!)

5 years ago...

Five years ago today, we brought home this little bundle of sweetness...

It was before Jared and I even started dating. We were just really good friends, and after encouraging him to finally get a dog - despite the fact that we were working 90 hour weeks and he was still living in corporate housing - I went with him to what seemed like every shelter in the Seattle area to find the perfect pup. When we were about to give up our search, I called one last shelter out in Woodinville... they had just gotten in a litter of half Weimaraner half Australian Shepherd puppies, and we were on our way. When we got there we learned that they had named all the puppies in the litter after characters from 90210 - and we both fell head over heels for the flopsy pup climbing all over his brothers and sisters to try to get a prime sleeping spot. I was always more of a Dylan kind of girl, so it was pretty funny that the one we'd fallen for was, in fact, Dylan. We took him outside to play, where he promptly went to the bathroom, and we were sold. (That dog had zero interest in going to the bathroom outside after that for weeks!)

He was so mellow and sleepy that first day. We both remarked at how lucky Jared had gotten to have such a laid back pup. Jared decided to call him Rocco, and we spent the rest of the day relishing in his cuteness.

Well, that sweet sleepy little puppy has been a complete jerkface every day since then. He is hyper, nervous, barks at strangers and little kids. Heaven forbid someone makes the teeny tiniest noise outside - he barks as though the world was coming to an end. And if someone dares ring the doorbell? Forget it. We have spent thousands of dollars on trainers and behavioral therapists with only mild success. He's not mean, he's just anxious and not very bright, which makes for a terrible combination. In short, he is very little of what we wanted in a dog. But, he's ours. This sweet, crazy mutt is ours, and I love him to pieces...