Letters to My Daughter: January

Hello, sweet girl. I haven't written to you since you were a few weeks old, when I was still so overwhelmed with the joy of your arrival (and with figuring out this whole parenting thing!) I held you in my arms and couldn't imagine life getting any better. But it has... in the past year and a half I've watched you grow into this amazingly smart, silly, and ever-curious little girl, and I find myself in a state of perpetual awe.

You bring so much joy and laughter to my life every single day... and since we don't get to spend that much time together during the week, I pretty much live for the weekends. I love our morning cuddles, having breakfast together in our PJs, going to the park, throwing the ball for Rocco... your excitement to play and learn and find new adventures is so infectious. I love watching you "read" your books aloud, in words I can't quite make out, wondering what story you're making up in your head to go along with the pictures. And I love how determined and focused you get during your independent play... it amazes me how creative you are with your toys, and how quickly you learn to use and manipulate them.

Mostly I love how completely and utterly silly you are. You're constantly singing and making up sounds, or dancing to whatever music we have on with the most ridiculous dance moves I've ever seen. Even after you've gone to bed, your dad and I find ourselves still laughing about something you did during the day, or because when we check the monitor we find you in your signature sleeping position - on your back with your arms folded behind your head like you're lounging poolside. We find you endlessly entertaining, and your love of life endlessly inspiring. I feel so immensely blessed - not just that I get to be a mama - but that I get to be your mama. So thank you... thank you for being you and for bringing me so much more happiness than I ever thought possible.

I am joined in this “Letters to our Children” blog circle by an amazing group of photographers and moms. Together, we'll be writing these letters every month in honor of our love for our sons and daughters. I encourage you to head over to Davina's blog to read her letter, and then continue on around the circle!

a better place to play

I never in a million years thought I would be a play space in the living room kind of parent, but here we are... and you know what? It works for us. Well it was working for us. After a few months with this setup, it became clear that our little galley play space needed to be re-thought. And last weekend I finally got around to it...

Before the redesign we had everything lined up against the wall, and Emma would inevitably get bored and start digging all of her toys out of the bottom of those mesh bins. It made for very unfocused and messy play. We also had a lot of toys from when she was younger that we needed to weed out.

Now Emma's toys are all within view, and mostly organized by type of activity. I know what you're thinking - there's no way it still looks like this. Well, I'm happy to report that it does! It's surprisingly much easier to clean up than before. Maybe because everything has its own place and the shelves aren't overflowing with toys.

What I love most about our shared living/play space is that you can't really see it when you first walk into the living room. And I finally found a place to display my beloved Penguin Classics collection of books...

I still have a couple of To Dos for the space, including some art in between the windows and a little upholstered chair to replace this pillow in Emma's reading nook:

What are your thoughts on having a play space in the living room? Major faux pas or an inevitable fact of life with kids?

(PS... try to ignore all the beige-overload. Oh how I can't wait to be a homeowner again.) :)

Resources:

 

Lil' Red

Happy Halloween! Well, first I hope everyone is safe, sound, with power, cell service, etc. Second, Happy Halloween! I'm so glad the kids around here will still get to go trick or treating tonight. Emma's still a little young for that, but I made her a costume anyway because we all know I just couldn't help myself.

I used Simplicity 1774, red fleece for the cape, and blue gingham for the dress. The pattern could not have been easier, especially with fleece because that meant I didn't have to line the cape. I did add some topstitching to give it a more finished look. And I used buttons to fasten the shoulder straps instead of hook and loop tape. Mostly because I forgot to buy hook and loop tape.

We were late getting out the door this morning, so this was the best I could get. (Note to self, learn how to use my Speedlight. That grain is killing me!) What you can't see here are the adorable new white chucks I got her to go with her costume, which of course are her favorite part.

Have a happy, safe, and sugar-filled Halloween, everyone!

swim survival

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Before Emma was even born I knew I wanted to enroll her in an infant swim survival class. I had a coworker who did it with her daughter and the stories she would tell me of how her baby could float on her back before she could even walk blew me away. If you've never heard of it, infant swim survival teaches your baby to roll over to their back and float independently until help can arrive - it essentially teaches them how to save their own life in case of an accidental fall in the water, which is pretty critical for us considering we live 100 yards from a pool and the cabin has two ponds and a stream. Emma has been practicing these skills since she was almost 5 months old, and her ability to turn and float still amazes us - not to mention the peace of mind we have knowing our baby can self rescue. If you're thinking about signing your baby up for swim classes, I highly recommend going with a swim survival program.

how I make breastfeeding work as a working mom

Yep. I'm finally going there. I've debated for a long time whether or not I should write about my experience with breastfeeding. It's such a personal subject, and every woman's experience is different. But by some miracle I've been able to exclusively breastfeed Emma while working full time for the past 14 months and we're still going strong... so I hope that in sharing my experience and what has helped me along the way I might be able to help other working mamas.

(Disclaimer: if you are my father or father-in-law, we're getting into specifics here, so while I appreciate you reading my little blog, this post may not be for you.) :-)

It has been my experience that our relationship with breastfeeding our babies is always evolving. As our baby's needs change, so must nursing. I think this is one of the most challenging aspects of nursing - you finally feel like everything is working, and a tooth comes in or your supply changes and suddenly you're stressed and find yourself questioning whether or not it's time to wean. These moments aren't made any easier by the comment you get over and over and over again from well-meaning friends and family: "Oh you're still breastfeeding? That's great." Equal parts supportive and judgy, the "still" always feels so loaded, even if it's not. I am neither hero nor freak of nature - I'm simply a mom who's trying to do what's best for her baby. So without further adieu, here's how I've made it work over the past 14 months...

Breastfeeding did not come easily for me. In fact, I know very few women who didn't experience some element of difficulty when they first started nursing. Yes, breastfeeding is best - but it can also be really really hard. Emma wanted to nurse 24/7 and I just couldn't get a good latch, so nursing was extremely painful. There were a lot of tears and a lot of crappy moments feeling like a failure as a mama. To get through it until I could come up with a better solution, I ended up pumping on the most painful side. So each feeding consisted of a bottle and whatever she wanted from the less painful side. Around 2 months, and after help from an amazing lactation consultant, craniosacral therapy for Emma, and time to - well - let things toughen up, nursing finally got better. Those were two of the most difficult months of my life, but I'll be forever thankful that I stuck it out. And because I was already pumping I ended up with a decent stash of reserves so I had more than enough for that first day back at work.

The transition back to work wasn't nearly as bad as I had feared. I am very fortunate to work for a company and bosses that are not only understanding of my desire to breastfeed my baby, but are also extremely supportive - and yes, there's a difference. When I worked from the office (I just started working from home a couple of months ago) I had a private room to pump in that no one else ever used, and I found it fairly easy to plan my 10-15 minute pumping sessions around meetings. My biggest stress regarding pumping at work didn't have anything to do with privacy or feeling like it was impacting my performance - it was whether or not I was pumping enough. It's an obsessive task, all the counting of ounces, making sure the bottles have just the right amount. At 3 months, Emma was taking three to four 4.5 ounce bottles while she was at daycare and thankfully when I first went back I could easily pump that much and then some.

My oversupply gradually turned into just enough, and then not enough. By 6 months my pumping output had become less predictable and even though Emma was taking a bit less at daycare (three 4 ounce bottles), around 9 months I added a 4th pumping session right before I went to bed just so I could round out the next day's bottles. I know what you're thinking... what a chore! But I wasn't ready to give up nursing and make the switch to super pricey formula so I did what I had to do.

Aside from supply stresses, the other major challenge I've faced being a breastfeeding working mom is travel. I usually travel about once a month for work - sometimes day trips, sometimes overnight. And as a result I have pumped in more places than I care to count... airport bathrooms, airport nursing rooms (yay SFO and SEA!), airplane bathrooms, client bathrooms, client nursing rooms (yay Accenture!), train bathrooms, hotel rooms, hotel lobby bathrooms, and rental cars. I'm pretty sure having an automatic toilet flush underneath you before you're done is the worst feeling I've encountered in a public bathroom, but pumping milk for my baby while people are doing god knows what in the stalls next to me is a very close second. Pumping in bathrooms is always a last resort, and sometimes you just have to do what you have to do... plug your nose, think of a happy place, and seal everything up as quickly as possible.

I've been fortunate to never have a single issue getting my milk or pump through TSA, and I've taken a decent amount of milk through. If I'm going for a day trip I just pack the little cooler and ice pack that fits in my pump bag (I have the Medela Pump in Style) and use either my pump bag or my laptop bag to hold my wallet, keys, etc. so that I don't go over my 2 carry on limit. For overnight trips, I'll use the same approach and use the little plastic storage bags for milk since you can fit a lot in the cooler, or I'll pack a slightly bigger cooler in my suitcase.

Storing milk overnight can be a bit tricky depending on your hotel. I'm a Starwood gal and have always had good experiences with them either having a fridge I can fit my milk in or bringing a mini fridge up to my room. A lot of people don't know the mini fridge is an option at most hotel chains... you just have to ask!

When we moved and Emma started her new daycare, I decided to do something that has completely changed my relationship with pumping... I decreased her to 2 bottles a day, and I'm just sending what I pump. I sometimes don't even look at the ounces. I'm lucky if I get 2 ounces out in a pumping session, and that's okay. She's getting almost everything she needs from food, and still isn't tolerating plain milk very well, so I'm happy to continue supplementing her nutrition with breastmilk. Plus, with working from home I've found it's nice to have those 2 forced breaks to step away from my computer.

At this point I'm just following Emma's lead... My original goal was just to get to a year, and I'm the first to admit I didn't think I'd still be nursing at this point. I keep expecting her to lose interest, but so far she's just as eager for her 4 daily nursing sessions as she always has been. Her daytime sessions are short and sweet, but her morning and bedtime sessions are still around 15 minutes. And now she eagerly signs for milk and it's the cutest thing ever. How can I say no to that? Yes, I'd love to stop having to pump, but every time I have those moments of feeling like it's not worth it, I think about actually nursing Emma - not pumping - and how wonderful and rewarding it is and I just can't bring myself to wean her before she's ready.

You may think after reading all of this - wow, she's put in a crazy amount of effort just to be able to breastfeed her baby - but for as selfless as pumping can feel, still being able to breastfeed and have that bond with my baby feels wonderfully selfish. Yes, breastfeeding is hard... it can be emotionally and physically draining, but it has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life and I'm grateful every day that I stuck with it.

 

UPDATE! I realized from Andrea's comment below that while I blabbed on and on about my experience, I didn't include a ton of tips aside from the travel stuff. So... here are my top 5 tips for making breastfeeding work as a working mom:

  1. Be unapologetically stubborn - With yourself, with your job, with every thought and comment that makes you question if this is all worth it. It will take work, and there will be highs and lows, but if this is what you want, it's definitely achievable.
  2. Find a good lactation consultant to work with - Us moms tend to have a tough time asking for help, but this is one area you don't have to (and shouldn't!) go it alone. But not all lactation consultants are made equal and it's important that you find one that you're comfortable with and that is supportive of your goals. Even if you're not having issues with breastfeeding, they can be invaluable in getting you prepped to go back to work - from making sure your pump is working for you, that you're using the right shield size (I had no idea I wasn't), and that you're pumping the right amount for your baby.
  3. Find something to do while pumping that nurtures your soul - Your pumping sessions don't always have to feel like a chore. You're not a dairy cow! Whether it's having a piece of chocolate, reading a good book, or doing some stretching after you're done, treat your pumping sessions as an opportunity to do something that's just for you and you might actually start looking forward to those breaks.
  4. Reevaluate your baby's needs as your supply changes - This is one of the most stressful aspects for pumping moms, and it's important to make sure you're considering your baby's changing needs as you experience decreases in your supply. It could be that your baby needs less, and you should attempt to send smaller bottles to daycare before you start stressing out and adding unnecessary pumping sessions. The website Kelly Mom was immensely helpful to me as I navigated these changes.
  5. Remember that everything is a phase - This is probably the best parenting advice I've gotten so far: Everything is a phase... the good stuff, the bad stuff, the teething and biting, the distracted nursing. Treasure the good times and don't panic during the bad times because they're all fleeting. This has been especially helpful for me to keep in mind as a working mom - the pumping won't last forever but neither will breastfeeding. Try not to stress too much about the former, and cherish the latter.

What about you? What has your experience with breastfeeding while working been like? Are you going back to work soon and have questions? Let me know!

reflections on Emma's first year

A year ago at this time we were in the throes of new parenthood... in complete awe of this tiny person we'd created, but struggling with nursing, naps and everything in between. Emma was not an easy newborn... she's never been a cuddler, never one to just fall asleep on your shoulder. Getting her to sleep in those early months could have been an Olympic event. Bounce, bounce, bounce... bigger more elaborate bouncing, small quick bouncing, bouncing on the exercise ball, bouncing while walking, bouncing while shooshing, bouncing while singing... bounce, bounce, bounce. We were both seeing a chiropractor by the time she turned 3 months old. Once we figured out that she was milk protein intolerant and I cut out dairy things got almost immediately easier. She wasn't feeling like crap all the time, we regained some of our hearing loss. Everyone was happier...

Months 4-8 were nothing short of awesome... it seemed like every week there was a new "thing" she could do: laughing, rolling, solids, first words, sitting up, crawling. She was on a developmental tear and we were happily along for the ride.

And then we hit 9 months... and everything that could fall apart did. Ear infections, food rebellions, teething, sleep regressions - we were all pretty miserable and the lack of sleep was making everything that much harder. She was waking up every 2 hours, standing at the edge of her crib and screaming... and nothing soothed her - not bouncing, shooshing, singing, or nursing. We knew we were in trouble when nursing stopped soothing her. We desperately sought the advice of our pediatrician, who recommended what we feared was coming - sleep training. We'd been so anti... we never felt like she "needed" to be sleeping through the night at a certain point. Prior to her regression she'd been waking once, maybe twice a night to nurse and immediately went back down. It worked. Until it didn't. CIO, extinction - these are not words I ever wanted to be part of our parenting repertoire. But we were desperate... she was screaming with us trying to soothe her, was it really that much worse to let her scream while she tried to self-soothe? You have to tell yourself no to get through it, so we did, and it worked. She never cried for more than 20 minutes, and after 3 nights we were all sleeping much better. I wish it hadn't needed to come to that, but I have no regrets... we let her tell us when she was ready for a different approach, we didn't try to force a sleep schedule on her. It felt right at the time and I'm glad we did it.

As for the ear infections - our trusty Nose Frida has been helping keep them at bay. And her food rebellion was helped a ton when we discovered that she's okay being fed if she also has something to feed herself at the same time... so now if we give her a puree we make sure there are also steamed veggies or Os, puffs, raisins, etc. on her tray. Otherwise the dog, chair, my jeans, my hair, end up with a whole lot more puree than her tummy. It never ceases to amaze me how such a small person can create such a huge mess.

With the exception of a few weeks of intense separation anxiety, months 10-12 were pretty fantastic... Emma started cruising, then walking, and it's been a blast trying to keep up with her. (Okay, it's also been super tiring.) Once she started walking she was done with crawling. She'd rather walk and fall on her tush 8 times trying to get somewhere than crawl. I just have no idea where she gets this stubbornness from! And after 6 months of working at it, she finally mastered her roll and float in swim survival class, and we were super stoked for her. We had been telling her it was okay that she wasn't the best swimmer in her class, that she could get by on her looks if she needed to, but it was a huge relief when it finally clicked for her. (If you haven't looked into swim survival I highly recommend it. It's a little terrifying and kinda pricey but it's so worth it.)

One year later and we're still so in awe of our little girl... for all the ups and downs of parenthood, it's just so insanely worth it.

an update!

Hellooooo! How are you? I'm good... exhausted, but good. The baby and dog are asleep, my tummy is full of dark chocolate coconut ice cream, and I'm laying in bed happy as a clam that I actually have a few minutes to spend on my poor deserted blog. Here's the gist of what's been going on lately...

We put our house on the market... and were under contract in less than 48 hours! It was a whirlwind, and we feel very very fortunate to have fared so well in this economy. More details coming soon, including loads of before and after pics.

Our sweet Emma turned 1 year old last week! I can't believe how quickly this first year flew by, and how much she's changed and grown. Our tiny screaming newborn has turned into this happy little toddler... so curious about her world and with a smile and laugh that melt away even the worst days. I know I'm biased, but she's pretty much the best baby ever. Oh, and we did throw a little 1st birthday bash for her... I'll have more on that soon, too. (Are you noticing a pattern yet?)

Jared left for Maryland last week. Before he left we knocked a bunch of stuff off of our "Before we leave Portland bucket list." It'll get it's own post, too, but one of my favorite things we did was to go back to the place where we got married and take a family photo in the same spot where we said our vows nearly 3 years ago. It was such a special day (Father's Day, actually) and I'm so glad we were able to get up to the mountain one last time.

Life without him here has been a tough adjustment... parenting is just flat-out easier with 2 people, especially when that 2nd person is as hands-on (and awesome) as Jared is, but I'm doing my best and (knock on wood) have yet to have any major parenting fails. As tired as I am, in a weird way it's the time I'm getting one-on-one with Emma that's pulling me through. I live for the moment I walk into her classroom after work and she comes bounding toward me, arms outstretched and grinning from ear to ear... there's no amount of exhaustion that makes that feel any less awesome. That being said, we're heading to Maryland this weekend to look at houses, and I'll be very very glad to be a family of 3 again - even if it's just for a few days.

In other news, I've actually been making progress on my Life List! Again, a post is in the works... but to give you a preview, I've dyed my hair it's natural color (and 3 months later am now happily back to blonde), we're up to #91 on AFI's Top 100 movie list, I had a photo shoot with my mom and sister and our babies, and - miracle of all miracles - I've kept a plant alive for more than 3 months! And now that we're moving back east I have a whole bunch more things I want to add to the list... like having a girls theater weekend in NYC (Newsies, anyone??), and taking a little getaway with Jared to Savannah.

So, let's see... that's at least 4 blog posts I owe you. Guess I better get cracking - er, typing.

XO,

our must have products for daycare

Time for another "products that keep us sane" list! I posted a while back about the products we couldn't have lived without during Emma's first 6 months, and thought I should do the same for the stuff that makes daycare life a whole lot easier. Emma's been in daycare since she was 3 months old (do not get me started on how ridiculously inadequate the maternity leave is in this country) and while we had absolutely no clue what we'd need on day 1, we're starting to feel like old pros these days. Oh, who am I kidding? We are absolutely still making it up as we go along, but either way - here's some stuff that has gotten us through...

1.  Lands' End Zip Top Tote (Medium) - I got the idea for using this as a daycare bag when I saw one of the other moms in Emma's daycare class using it. I thought it was classic and durable, and I loved that I could get her name embroidered on it. What I didn't realize until it arrived was that it has these great interior pockets that perfectly hold 4 bottles (Emma takes 3-4 during the day). I love it so much I got one for my nephew, too.

2.  Dr. Brown's bottles - I know that bottles are one of those products where everyone has to find their favorite, but I really love our Dr. Browns. Emma has a pretty sensitive tummy and these are apparently the best at preventing gas. Almost more important than that is that the narrow neck threads perfectly into my pump attachments (I use a Medela pump), which means WAY less stuff I have to wash. I can just pump directly into her bottles. Also, the little tiny brushes that come with them are perfect for cleaning pump parts. Emma's happy. I'm happy. Everybody wins.

3.  Munchkin Fresh Food Freezer Cups - I love these little cups for Emma's purees. They're perfect for freezing and they wash up easily. She's switching over to mostly finger foods now, and I'll be sad to see these cute cups get retired.

4.  Waterproof name labels - This was one of those items it didn't occur to us we'd need until Emma started daycare. It turns out they're kind of important. We've used Name Bubbles and Oliver's Labels and have been happy with both. I wanted plain labels with just her name (no tiaras, frogs, soccer balls, etc.) and both companies offered customizable options.

5.  Munchkin Deluxe Bottle Brush - This brush gets mixed reviews on Amazon, but we've been happy with it. It's held up well over 6 months, though the bottom brush insert comes loose now. I think the reason that no bottle brush gets stellar ratings is because they're all inevitably going to crap out due to such frequent use.

6.  Rubber dish gloves - I can't believe how long it took me to remember this handy little invention. I suffered through months of dry, cracked, itchy skin on my hands from all the bottle washing. Wouldn't it be great if there was a way to protect my hands while I washed bottles? Duh. Rubber dish gloves. I almost like washing bottles now. Almost.

7.  Pumping bra - If you're pumping, you need a pumping bra. Hands-free, double pumping. Such a lifesaver.

8.  Hooded rain jacket - This one may seem a little odd, but trust me - between the car seat, daycare bag, purse, laptop bag, pump bag/cooler, there are no hands left to hold an umbrella. And it will rain. And if you actually managed to get your hair done and put on some makeup before leaving the house, it would really suck to have it all ruined before you even get to work. My raincoat has saved me (and my hair) time and time again.

9.  Extras of everything - Clothes (particularly easy-wear cotton clothes), socks, wipes, sleep sacks, sheets, loveys, pacifiers, sippy cups, etc. etc. etc. There's nothing that your baby uses day in and day out that he or she won't need at least one more of for daycare. Get lots of the basics. Particularly socks. Daycare is where all your favorite little Trumpette socks go to die.

Do/did you have a kiddo in daycare? What products made life easier for you?

revisiting Emma's birth story

At 9 months old, Emma has officially been out longer than she was in. This milestone has had me thinking a lot about my pregnancy and her birth, so I went back and read her birth story the other day, only to find myself disappointed with what I had written. Or more, what I hadn't written. Which is funny because that was a loooong post. But it read very technical to me... like I went into labor, and it hurt, and then I was in labor some more, and then hours passed and days, and then, and then, and then... what was missing was what I was thinking and feeling during those 63 hours. I think at the time I wrote it I was still very caught up in how it all went down... I felt this great responsibility to document every step of the process, and in doing so failed to capture the emotion of it all. So, here's take 2... the version I want to read when I think about that day, and the version I hope to someday share with Emma...

Oh my god. That's the first thought I had when I found out I was pregnant. We had been trying for months, though it felt like years at that point, and I was in disbelief at what I saw. Two lines. Two lines! As my eyes welled up with tears, I rushed downstairs to tell Jared... We're going to have a baby. What? It's positive? Yes! It's positive. Holy crap! We hugged, we kissed, we cried. Then the anxiety hit me. And there it stayed for most of my 1st trimester. What if it was a false positive? What if these cramps aren't just growing pains? Is that spotting? If there's one good thing about morning sickness (or 8 to 3 sickness, in my case) it's that it's a nice little daily reminder that you are, in fact, definitely still pregnant. Even so, I tried not to get my hopes up until I hit my 2nd trimester. I didn't buy anything for the baby, I didn't start planning the nursery. And then we saw her.

She was just an it at that point... but she was perfect. And more importantly, she and I were both healthy as could be. I could breathe. It was right around that time I stopped getting sick, and got some of my energy back. I was finally feeling well enough to start being that hip mama-to-be I'd imagined I'd be before morning sickness knocked me on my butt for 2 months. I started going to prenatal yoga, laughing with other pregnant women about our aches, pains, and strange bodily functions. I retired the last of my normal jeans and bras. I started rubbing my growing belly all day every day. I was pregnant, and I reveled in it.

It was around that time that I dove head first into the world of natural birth, and dragged Jared along with me. When I first got pregnant I thought Well, maybe I'll try for a natural birth and just see what happens once I'm in it. But I'm so not a "see what happens" kind of person. That initial thought quickly turned into switching from an OB to a midwife, and before I knew it we were sitting in weekly hypnobirthing classes visualizing opening up like a flower and watching videos of hippy women seemingly enjoying labor and delivery. The more we learned, the more we believed that natural birth would be the safest and gentlest way to bring our baby into the world... it was to be the most important physical endeavor of my life and I was training my little heart out.

As my due date approached I grew increasingly uncomfortable. I loved being pregnant, but I was getting more than a little anxious to get this show on the road. I was ready. Well, as ready as I could be. And I felt strong. I felt more connected to my body than I ever had before and I had the blissful confidence of someone who had no idea what she was in for. Jared and I filled those long days of waiting by going out to dinner, seeing some live music, and basically doing all the things people told us we wouldn't have time for anymore once our baby was born. They couldn't have been more right.

The night after Emma was due, I went into labor. We were sitting on the couch watching TV and I started having contractions that just felt different. Before I went into labor I longed to know what those contractions would feel like. How would I know when it was really time? All I can say is that I just knew. They were a little stronger than Braxton Hicks, a little more real. They eased on and gloriously off, making them feel manageable. I sat there secretly timing my contractions, not wanting to get Jared all excited if this was just false labor. After a half an hour or so I decided to pipe up. So... I think I'm in labor.

My contractions were strong, but infrequent. At 10 minutes apart it looked like this was going to take a while, so we decided to try to get some sleep. I knew I wouldn't really be able to sleep. Aside from the pain and pressure, my baby was coming. How could I sleep? Neither of us really slept that night, and by morning my contractions were 7 minutes apart. I figured I'd have a light breakfast, hang out for a couple of hours, and be ready to head to the hospital. This was happening. My baby was going to be born today. But shortly after breakfast my labor stalled. I was disappointed, but I knew this was common with first babies and tried to just carry on with my day and wait for labor to pick back up. We walked. I watched bad daytime tv. We ate. I had a contraction every half an hour or so. We walked some more.

Labor finally picked up again that night, this time more intense than before, especially in my lower back. Alright, now this is really happening. 10 minutes apart again. It was late. After not sleeping the night before we were so tired. We tried to sleep again. We failed again. The contractions were so intense but not getting any closer. I was exhausted and frustrated. Come on already, baby!

Morning arrived and my contractions were still 7-10 minutes apart, still intense, still shooting through my lower back. Another call to the midwife, and a new theory that our baby was posterior - meaning she was head down, but facing my tummy instead of my back. Super. Apparently when this happens the body will stall the labor to try to give the baby time to turn. We learned a variety of tricks and positions to try to encourage her to turn, but nothing was feeling like it was making a difference and my contractions were getting stronger but not closer. Nighttime rolled around and I'd now been in labor for 2 days. Any hope I had of today being the day was quickly waning. The midwife on call instructed me to do whatever I needed to do to get some sleep. She told me to try Benadryl and a bath, and if that didn't work to come into the hospital and they'd give me some morphine to knock me out. I went to lay down after I got out of the bath, and of course, not five minutes later my contractions finally started to pick up. Well, if I'm not going to get some sleep I guess I'll go have this baby. We made the call to go to the hospital. Either I was going to have the baby, or I was going to get some drugs so I could sleep.

We got to admitting, where I proudly refused the wheelchair. I remember thinking, I may have been in labor for the past 2 days, but I am not crippled. Gee, I wonder where this baby was getting her stubbornness from. We sat in triage for what felt like forever while they hooked me up to the monitor and measured my contractions. All I wanted was for them to tell me this was really happening, admit me, and get me to my room - the room where we would finally meet our baby. Something about my calm demeanor had the triage nurse thinking I wasn't very far along, and she made it clear she thought we were wasting her time. We didn't care for her very much. Finally a midwife came down to examine me. The moment of truth... She asked me how dilated I wanted to be, to which I responded, More than 1… please just let it be more than 1. She replied, How about more than 5? I was 6-7 centimeters and I could have kissed her. I was so relieved to know that I'd actually been making progress the past 2 days. I heard the triage nurse mutter under her breath that I wasn't acting like I was 6-7 centimeters dilated. Yes, that's because I am strong, and brave, and I don't feel the need to make a big dramatic production out of each contraction no matter how intense they are. That, or I'm just very very tired.

We checked into our room and they started prepping the birthing tub. Jared and I walked the halls while we waited. I wanted nothing more than to get into that warm water. But sadly, my nice peaceful water birth wasn't meant to be. Being in the tub was slowing my labor, and no amount of pain relief was worth dragging this thing out any longer. So we went back to walking the halls.

The hours passed so slowly. Each contraction was more intense than the last, each one requiring Jared to press even harder on my lower back as I breathed through it. I was making progress but it was so slow. Around 7am I called my sister. I couldn't even get a full sentence out. I heard her voice and I lost it. Tears were falling. I can't do it. I'm so tired. I'm trying so hard to be strong, but it's too hard. Her encouragement and support in that moment meant more than I can ever say. I gathered myself together, and Jared and I had a heart to heart about our options. My midwife was starting to get very concerned about my exhaustion... would I have any energy left to push after 3 sleepless nights? But I'd come so far. As a last ditch effort to move things along, Jared and I agreed to let them break my water. Please let this work. I know I said I'd be okay with getting drugs if there was no alternative but I'm too proud for my own good I really really don't want them. I felt an almost immediate difference. My contractions had become all consuming, but closer together. About 20 minutes after they broke my water I started feeling the urge to push. This was it.

I'd heard that for many women the pushing was easier than labor. Not. Even. Close. I don't know if it was because I was more exhausted than I'd been in my entire life, or because our baby still hadn't turned fully anterior. But pushing was hard. Without a doubt the most intensely challenging and painful experience of my life. But it was good pain. It was miraculous pain. It was pain that was giving life. I pushed for over an hour. I kept looking at Jared feeling like I was letting him down. He'd been more than I could have ever asked for. I could tell it was nearly unbearable for him to watch me in so much pain, and I wanted so desperately to relieve him of that. But I don't want to push anymore. I can't. I have nothing left to give. Somehow with each contraction I went deeper inside myself and mustered the strength to push longer and harder than I thought I was capable of. Finally, our baby was crowning. They told me to reach down and feel her head. I couldn't. If I stop now I won't be able to keep going. I just want to keep going. A few more pushes and her head was out. And then her body. They laid her on my chest and time stopped. Hello, my love. She was a wonder. We took in every tiny wrinkly inch of her. Our Emma Rose. I remember being so surprised at her full head of dark hair. She was so uniquely her, and she really was perfect.

We held her in disbelief that she was finally here... that after 9 months and a seemingly endless labor, we were a family. I looked at my husband holding his daughter for the first time... filled with more love than I ever imagined possible. It had all been so worth it.

Emma's first 6 months

This week kind of got away from me and I sadly didn't have much time for Reader or Pinterest... soooo instead of Link Love this week, how about some pictures of an insanely cute baby? :-)

It sounds cliche, but the first 6 months really have flown by. Our 7 lb little peanut is now an 18 lb little chunker. Every day is a new adventure. Every day I'm blown away by how much I love her...

our must have products for the first 6 months

Like most soon-to-be parents, we registered for a bunch of stuff we thought we'd need but we really had no idea. We tried not to register for too much... I loathe clutter (though I regularly lose the battle against it) and we try not to live with more than we need (again, try being the operative word there.) At the recommendation of pretty much everyone we know, we bought Baby Bargains and used it as our registry bible. And, for the most part, it steered us right. There were a few things we were certain we wouldn't need (like a Snap 'n Go) that we ended up begrudgingly running out to Babies R Us for, but for the most part we did pretty well.

So without further adieu, here are the Top 10 things that got us through the first 6 months (in no particular order)...

1. The My Little Lamb Infant Seat by Fisher Price - I kid you not, this bouncer saved our lives. Well, at least our sanity. And Emma's. From day 1, the child would not sleep laying flat. She only slept in our arms at first, and when lamenting our new reality to my BFF she was like "try the bouncer!" Bingo. Emma slept through the night at 2 weeks old, and slept exclusively in that bouncer until she was 5 months old. We tried so many times to switch her to the co-sleeper or crib, and she always had terrible sleeps. We actually ended up getting 2 additional bouncer type things for other rooms: this one, which was good for naps but she didn't like it overnight, and the Mamaroo, which was a dud for sleeping but okay for just hanging out. My mom had this one for when we stayed with her and Emma loved it as much as her My Little Lamb seat. I highly recommend either one.

2. A stability ball - Babies who are delivered naturally tend to be very alert when they first come out, and Emma was no exception. It wasn't long before she got fussy and in between moments of thinking "holy crap, what have we gotten ourselves into," we discovered that Emma loooooves to be bounced. Up and down, the deeper the bounce the better. To this day, bouncing and shooshing are the only things that consistently soothe her (aside from nursing, of course.) Jared and I took turns bouncing her, day and night... it was exhausting. I don't remember who told us to try the stability ball, but whoever you are - thank you. It wasn't necessarily any easier on our bodies, but it worked different muscles, and extended our stamina during hour long marathons of trying to soothe Emma back to sleep. We still have one in her nursery, and use it nightly to gently bounce her right before putting her down.

My abs totally look like this when I'm bouncing Emma. (Ha!)

3. The Sleep Sheep by Cloud B - Emma loooves her Sleep Sheep. This is a pretty common registry item, and we've been super happy with it. We throw on the ocean waves and Emma is lulled into dreamland. Well, not exactly, but it does seem to help.

4. The Nose Frida - Ahh, the infamous Nose Frida. Yes, in theory it's gross, but we've been using it for months and I assure you that no snot has ever entered my mouth. And most importantly, IT WORKS. We tried multiple sizes of bulb aspirators and they were all useless. But the Frida gets the job done every time. Emma hates it, but it's by far the quickest, safest, and most effective way to clear her nose. It's the grossest thing I've ever loved, and I don't think we'd be able to get through her daycare years without it.

5. Haba and Lamaze toys- Haba toys are pretty popular in Portland since they're eco-friendly, and Emma loves them. They have them at her daycare, she has them at home... it's amazing to watch her fine motor skills develop as she manipulates them. She also loves the Lamaze toys for discovery, and they've been great for teething, too.

6. Pampers Sensitive Wipes - I'm pretty sure we've tried every brand of wipes out there in the past 6 months, and these are our favorites if for no other reason than that the dispenser actually works. We get one at a time and the next one comes up after. I can't tell you how lovely it is to find wipes that actually come out the way they're supposed to. Huggies Natural, Target, Seventh Generation, Whole Foods 365... ya'll have some work to do. I don't want 3 wipes at a time, and I don't want the next wipe to fall down into the abyss each time I pull a new one out. We can put a man on the moon, I'm sure someone other than Pampers can figure this out. But until then, Pampers wipes it is.

7. A lovey - At about 4 months old, Emma started really loving fabric. She loved to touch it, chew on it, and (most especially) smoosh it in her face. She's really taken to her lovey (thanks, Lindsey) and even sleeps with it now. Hers is satin on one side, minky on the other, just like this one...

8. A nursing cover - My nursing cover has gotten quite a workout over the past 6 months. I knew I'd use it for going out, but it's also been super helpful when we've had family and friends in town so I didn't have to go up to our bedroom every time Emma needed to eat. It also works great as a sun shield over her car seat when we're out and about.

9. Baby Trend Snap 'n Go Stroller - This is a reluctant addition to this list. I desperately wanted to avoid getting more than one stroller. We already had the BOB Revolution, and love it. It handles great, and we have the adapter so we're able to pop the car seat on and use it for walks around the neighborhood. But we had to go to New York last September and the BOB is many things, but super portable ain't one of them. So we picked up the Snap 'n Go and it was a lifesaver. It's perfect for getting through airport security, quick runs to the store, and it fits so nicely in the car. In theory, it's great, but the quality has been disappointing. And it handles terribly! That being said, I do feel like it was a must-have purchase for us.

10. A great pediatrician - This isn't a product but it's absolutely gotten us through the first 6 months. We LOVE our pediatrician. She's so supportive and always makes us feel like we're doing a great job (even though we're totally clueless.) We feel so fortunate to have found her!

push it...

For the most part, the pregnant ladies of Hollywood are setting a great example with the recent rise in natural, home, and water births. The horrid "too posh to push" trend seems to be on its way out, and the more famous women who have normal births, the more it gets in the news, and the more it hopefully encourages other women to at least consider going the natural route. So, yay famous mamas! BUT... now that they're pushing out their babies again, a new trend has arisen that I find a bit ridiculous - the "push present."

Mamas like Rachel Zoe and (most recently) Jessica Alba, were given lavish pieces of jewelry by their husbands as a thank you for all their hard work in the delivery room. It's not that these women aren't deserving of loads of gratitude, praise, and all-out worship - heck, drugs or no drugs, what our bodies do to birth our babies is downright miraculous. Childbirth makes us badasses. But I don't need a medal, much less a big fat diamond, because you know what else makes a great "push present"? A BABY. That's right, that tiny little bundle of cuteness you've been waiting 9 months to meet is what makes all the blood, sweat, and tears worth it. More than worth it, actually. And your husband that just spent those 9 months patiently putting up with your mood swings, cravings, sleepless nights, and absentmindedness, and held your hand or pressed on your back through every contraction, every push - yeah, he's pretty amazing. And while he didn't just push out a baby, you couldn't have done it without him. How about cutting him a little slack and not making him feel like he didn't do enough... that on top of everything else he doesn't also have to somehow find time to go to the jewelry store. It all just seems a bit silly to me, but maybe it's just me...

What are your thoughts on "push presents"? Over the top or simply a nice gesture?

no moo for me

I mentioned in my Link Love post a couple weeks ago that I had to give up dairy for a while because Emma is super sensitive to milk protein. We thought we just had a really fussy baby on our hands, but after describing her symptoms (I'll spare you the details) my lactation consultant suggested cutting out dairy to see if they improve. A life without dairy sounded truly awful. Just look at my bio... cheese and ice cream are among my favorite things in the whole world! BUT, this is my baby we're talking about - and if cutting out dairy meant a happier, less gassy, etc. (trust me you don't want me to elaborate) baby, then it was worth it. So off I went, kicking and screaming (okay, mostly just whining and pouting) into the land of the dairy-free. And within 48 hours, Emma was like a whole new baby. She slept better during the day, she fussed WAY less, and her diapers were far more pleasant to change - well, as pleasant as that sort of thing can be. As much as I hated cutting out dairy, I found myself wishing we'd known to try it much sooner than 2 months in.

So what can't I eat? More than you'd think... milk, butter, cheese, ice cream... the list goes on and on and on. My biggest challenges so far have been eating out and traveling. I now have to be that person who asks what stuff was cooked in, does it have this, does it have that. It's not the asking I mind so much, it's the having to make sure all the things I really want to be included are left off the plate. It's amazing how much stuff includes dairy. Stuff you wouldn't think - like BBQ potato chips. I will say that the FDA has done a fantastic job of updating the labeling requirements for packaged foods. It very clearly states on most foods "CONTAINS MILK." Very helpful.

Where does that leave me? Well, wouldn't you know it - Emma's also sensitive to soy (which is fairly common among babies with a milk protein intolerance), which is unfortunate because there seems to be a soy substitute for almost every dairy thing you can think of. So, I replaced regular milk for almond milk in my cereal. My favorite brand I've tried is Almond Breeze (Original.) I replaced coconut ice cream for the real thing (a poor substitute, but it helps partially fill a gaping void.) If we absolutely have to use butter in something we use these Earth Balance vegan "buttery sticks." I've found myself pulling Elie Krieger's book The Food You Crave off the shelf quite a bit because healthier recipes often get that way because they exclude dairy.

I'm nearly 2 months in, and while it has gotten easier, I still have to fight the urge to start gnawing on the big block of Tillamook cheddar that's currently in our fridge. I thought an upside to all this would be that the rest of my pregnancy weight would fall off, but I've been hitting the coconut milk ice cream pretty hard in an effort to curb my dairy cravings, so I've only lost another pound or 2. I really am going to have to start working out again. Depressing.

I've read that a lot of babies grow out of their milk protein intolerance around 6 months, which would be just in time for the holidays. I've already let Santa know that all this girl wants for Christmas is a pint of Haagen Dazs in one hand, some baked brie in the other, and a gigantic chocolate milkshake to wash it all down with. Yep, definitely going to have to start working out again.

PS... did you know that Oreos are completely dairy free??! It's sort of frightening that a chocolate wafer and cream cookie has zero dairy in it... but not so frightening that I won't eat them. Let's not get crazy here, folks.

{maternity series} for Emma

At long last... I've finally compiled my maternity series photos into a slideshow! I'm also planning to make the photos into a photo book at some point. Looking back at all the photos, I'm so glad I decided to do this project. There were many weeks where I sooo didn't feel like being photographed, and there were more bad hair days than I would have liked, but I'm really happy to have this so I can eventually show Emma how much I truly loved being pregnant with her. Thanks for sharing this journey with me! :-)

Emma's birth story

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“The best way I know to counter the effects of frightening [birth] stories is to hear or read empowering ones... Stories teach us in ways we can remember.  They teach us that each woman responds to birth in her unique way and how very wide-ranging that way can be.” - Ina May Gaskin, Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth

When Jared and I decided to start a family, I dove head first into researching and educating myself about reproduction and fertility.  I pored over Taking Charge of Your Fertility (the “bible” for women with fertility issues, or - in my case - super Type A wannabe mamas) before we even started trying.  I wanted to know everything I could... I thought that the more I knew about my cycle and the “ideal” time to conceive, the faster I would get pregnant. Seriously - this is how my brain works. So by the time we’d gotten through 3 months of trying and charting and negative pregnancy tests, I had convinced myself that there was something wrong with me. (Don’t worry, looking back I fully realize how ridiculous my thinking was. I don’t regret learning as much as I could, but I wish I had been more patient in applying what I learned.) When the 4th month of trying rolled around, we were pretty burned out on the charting and fertility talk so we decided to take a break from all that, went on an amazing anniversary trip to Hawaii, and - lo and behold - a week after we got back we found out I was pregnant.

My first trimester was filled with excitement, disbelief, and a whole lot of getting sick. Thankfully, my second trimester was the blissful time everyone said it would be. Now that I was feeling better, we started thinking about birth options and, once again, I began learning everything I could. I was pretty sure I wanted to try for a natural birth, and after watching the documentary, “The Business of Being Born”, Jared and I were both convinced that natural birth was the best fit for us and the safest, least stressful option for our baby. At that point, I dedicated the rest of my pregnancy to “training” for a natural birth. I started taking an amazing prenatal yoga class (if you are pregnant, I HIGHLY recommend any type of class or activity that includes open discussion with a group of other pregnant women... it was so invaluable for me), we took 5 weeks of hypnobirthing classes, practiced the hypnobirthing exercises daily, and read multiple books on natural childbirth.  I felt empowered by what I was learning, and so completely supported by Jared - who was a true partner throughout both my pregnancy and birth.

Once I hit 39 weeks, I started getting pretty impatient. Thankfully, the day after Emma’s due date, I went into labor. It was around 9:30 at night and Jared and I were sitting on the couch watching TV. I started secretly timing the contractions, not wanting to make a big deal of it if it wasn’t for real.  After about a half an hour of contractions that were 10 minutes apart, I said something to Jared along the lines of “so... I’m pretty sure I’m labor.”  We decided to try to go to bed, knowing that if this was for real we’d need our rest for what was to come. Needless to say, neither of us slept very well that night.  I got some sleep between contractions, but 8 minutes at a time is hardly restful.

My contractions were about 6 minutes apart by the next morning, but by the time I had finished a light breakfast, my labor had pretty much stalled.  I knew this was normal, especially with a first baby, so I tried not to get too discouraged.  I called the midwife who said to go about my day as normal, and that labor would probably start back up again later that day.  We went for walks, took a nap, and started working on a puzzle to help pass the time.  I had random contractions throughout the day, but nothing consistent.  Around 7 that evening the contractions picked back up, and were even more intense.  They were anywhere from 10-20 minutes apart, but much stronger and more focused in my lower back and tailbone.  We tried to sleep again that night, but it was even harder than the night before.  I got maybe a half an hour of sleep total that night.

My contractions were still pretty far apart by the next morning, so I called the midwife again who told me that based on the pattern and type of labor I was having it sounded like Emma was likely posterior and my body was slowing the labor to try to give her time to move into a better position. I’d been in labor for a day and a half at this point, so this was not welcome news. She gave me some techniques to try to get her to turn, which I spent all day doing without much progress or relief.

By that evening, my contractions were just as intense, but still stuck at 10 minutes apart.  I checked in with the midwife again, who was starting to get concerned about my exhaustion.  She instructed me to take some Benadryl, take a bath, and hopefully that combo would knock me out enough to sleep through the contractions. If that didn’t work, she said I could come into the hospital and they would give me a sleeping pill and some morphine and really knock me out.  After my bath, I got into bed and tried to fall asleep.  About 5 minutes after getting into bed, my contractions picked up.  They were 7 minutes apart and way too strong to sleep through.  I decided it was finally time to go to the hospital... either this thing was actually happening, or they’d give me a sleeping pill and I’d be able to get some rest.

When we got to the hospital, the nurse who got me set up in maternity triage was clearly skeptical about my labor having progressed enough to justify coming to the hospital. We got the definite sense that if the nursing staff placed bets on who was going to get sent home for not being far enough along, she would have bet A LOT of money on us going home.  After about 20 minutes of fetal monitoring, one of the midwives, Maggie, came in to examine me.  This was the moment of truth... had I actually been making progress during the past 50 hours of labor?  She asked me how dilated I wanted to be, to which I responded “More than 1... please just let it be more than 1.”  She replied, “How about more than 5?”  I’ve never been so relieved. It turns out I was 6-7 centimeters dilated. This was really happening.  Hallelujah. I heard the nurse say under her breath that I wasn’t acting like I was 6-7 centimeters dilated.  Ha!  Thanks, hypnobirthing.

We checked into our birthing room, and everyone seemed confident that I’d labor for a few more hours and then be ready to push.  They started setting up the water birth tub, and I walked the halls trying to encourage the labor to keep progressing.  My contractions were intense, and Jared had to apply strong pressure to my lower back during each one, but they weren’t unbearable.  I focused on my breathing, stayed relaxed, and never got to a point with my contractions that I felt like I needed drugs - which was a relief because despite my determination to have a natural birth, I was never certain that I’d be able to bear the pain.  The way the pain built up then eased off made it manageable... it was only super intense for less than a minute at a time.

By the time the tub was ready, my contractions hadn’t gotten much closer, but I got the green light to get in and holy moly did that water feel good.  I’d been looking forward to getting into that tub for 2 days and it was everything I’d hoped for.  Unfortunately, after 40 minutes or so in the tub, it was clear that it had started to slow my labor a bit.  So I got out, walked some more, got back in, and again, it slowed my labor.  Bummer.  The water felt amazing, but pain relief took a back seat to moving this labor along so we went back to walking the halls.  By 7 the next morning, about 8 hours after hearing the wonderful news that I was dilated 6-7 centimeters, I’d only progressed to 8 centimeters.  We were so tired, and so frustrated, and it was starting to feel like I was going to be in labor forever.  Women who’d gone the drug route came and went, and we were still walking the halls.  Every time we passed the nurses station we’d get looks of pity, or comments like “you’re an inspiration.”  I didn’t feel like it.  I felt defeated and exhausted.

Maggie’s shift ended and a new midwife (Penni) and nurse (Jackie) took over.  I was approaching nearly 60 hours of labor, and we started discussing next steps for trying to progress my labor.  We tried stimulation, but that actually slowed my contractions.  Penni sat down with us and discussed our remaining options, including pitocin, but I was determined to try every natural option possible before I would consider drugs.  The baby’s heartbeat was still normal and she wasn’t showing any signs of stress.  I’d come so far and I was so close.  Why make Emma’s journey so much more intense and stressful with pitocin if it wasn’t medically necessary?  I was 9 centimeters dilated... only one more to go.  But at the pace my labor was going, it could take hours more before I was fully dilated.  Both Penni and Jared were very concerned about my exhaustion - would I have any energy left to push?  My bag of waters was still intact, so I decided to have Penni break it as a last ditch effort to speed up my labor.  (I can’t say enough about how supportive and reassuring Penni and Jackie were about my desire to avoid drugs.  I never once felt pressured to do something I wasn’t comfortable with.) About 20 minutes after Penni broke my water, I started feeling the urge to push.  It had worked!  I got a rush of adrenaline knowing we were so close to finally meeting our daughter.

I ended up pushing for about an hour and a half... it was the most intense, painful, challenging experience of my life.  I pushed in a couple of different squatting positions before settling on a sitting position in which I locked forearms with Jackie and we pulled against each other with each push.  This is apparently Jackie’s special technique and it worked fantastically for me. (Jared even took Jackie’s place for a period of time and we pulled against each other as he saw way way more than he ever signed up for. The man is a saint, I tell ya!)  My exhaustion really caught up with me about halfway through pushing.  I hadn’t slept in 3 days.  Emma still hadn’t turned fully anterior, making the pushing that much more difficult. I started seriously doubting my ability to keep going.  It was too hard, too painful, the pressure was too intense.  But somehow with each contraction I went deeper inside myself and mustered the strength to push longer and harder than I thought I was capable of. Finally, her head came out, and shortly after that came the rest of her body. They immediately put her on my chest and I felt a million things all at once - love, relief, curiosity, disbelief that I was finally holding our beautiful daughter in my arms. I wanted to lay there with Emma and Jared and soak in this amazing moment, but Jackie was putting an IV in my arm and hooking me up to a pitocin drip as both she and Penni were working furiously to stop the bleeding I was having.  (The irony of needing pitocin immediately AFTER a 63 hour labor is not lost on me.)  I also had some superficial tearing that Penni had to stitch up.  It was not the post-birth experience I’d imagined, but that was kind of the theme of my whole labor and birth - the journey was so different than I thought it would be... I had this crazy 63 hour labor, barely used the tub much less birthed in it, but the outcome was exactly what I’d hoped for - Emma was amazingly healthy (she scored a 9 on both her Apgar tests), alert, and took immediately to breastfeeding.  We spent the hours after her birth just holding her and taking it all in.

My birth experience taught me so much... I learned that I’m capable of enduring an immense amount of physical pain for a really long amount of time, that even in the most trying situations I can stick to the things I really believe in, that I’m insanely lucky to have Jared as my partner (I already knew that but this experience was a big reminder), and that no matter how much planning and preparing I do some things just happen how they need to happen.